Just need to vent.. i feel like breaking.

I finally broke today. I sat and cried with my youngest while he screamed and cried at the top of his lungs..

Little back story:

Hubby lost his job middle to end of last month. He started a new job at his families business. He now works Saturdays as well, we also decided to start going to church on Sundays. His old salary was base of $45k now its only $35k. Barely enough to make ends meet in CO. We moved into a 5bd3ba, 2 story home the beginning of March...

Our oldest is on spring break now.

Our youngest is teething, has thrush, a mean diaper rash (thank god for his dr appt tomorrow AM) and he hasn't been sleeping through the night.

I have been up for trying to console him.

He barely eats, refuses bottle at times, refuses his binky and cup...

Our house is also a mess because i can't seem to get on top of all the chores needing to be done. Laundry pilled up everywhere.

I'm due for induction April 28th. So I'm very pregnant, tired, hormonal, in pain due to sciatica and back problems in general.

I'm expected (not that i mind at all) to drop off/pick up our oldest from school.. my husband used to do that for me... All while making drs appts, grocery shopping, paying the bills/budgeting, cooking and cleaning, and chasing after our 11mo old.

I'm a SAHM with absolutely 0 friends and barely any family to turn to for help because they're all extremely busy or too far away.

I have depression, PTSD, and anxiety..

Today, i finally broke. My depression is kicking my ass. I sat and cried with our youngest while he screamed and cried at the top of his lungs. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm hurt.

I know my husband works his ass off for us, and i appreciate him.. but the arguing, the shitty communication, the lack of intimacy, is all taking its toll. I finally broke.

"I know it's hard my love, I'll gladly take your place when i get home. You're a great momma."

So he gets home and i run myself a bath after feeding our little family.. 3 minutes in... my husband walks in frustrated because he can't find the A+D for baby, and all baby wanted was momma.. i drained my bath to the acceptable level for our youngest to hop in with me. When he's done i hand him to my husband, i proceeded to fill up the water to continue my bath.. the hot water is gone.. i get out.

My husband is trying to put the Desitin we found for his diaper rash, our youngest is screaming and crying, so i help.. not even dressed yet, just in a towel. I finally throw the towel to the side hoping to get dressed once his diaper is on.. i can't get dressed. That's okay, baby wants to be held. So i hold him while trying to get tylenol in him to hopefully make him feel better.. the tylenol is spit out all over me.

I just want to cry. I'm doing my best. I truly am. Being a SAHM is hard. Motherhood is hard. No one tells you the difficulties of it. They tell you it's beautiful and all sunshine and rainbows. It is beautiful. But its not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard. That 3 minute bath? That was the first time hot water touched my body in 3 days. I used to always smell good, now i don't. I used to always be dressed nice, now I'm not. My clothes are stained. My nails look horrible. My hair is knotted. My skin is horrible. My legs aren't shaved. My house isn't clean. The laundry isn't done. The dishes are finally clean (thanks to my mom). My vehicle is an absolute DISASTER and no where near ready for another baby. My hospital bags aren't packed (just in case he makes his entrance early). His clothes aren't washed. None of his things are set up. And to top it off, we have no baby sitter for when i do go for induction or if i go into labor.

I finally. Fucking. Broke.