TERRIBLE Mother/Daughter Relationship//UPDATED

I’m crying as I type this but I have nowhere else to vent, and I can’t keep this inside myself anymore.

My mother has always been my biggest critic. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I was involved in so much extra curriculars and what not, just for her to always cut me down. I was a cheerleader for six years, and she never once game to a single game or competition to watch me cheer. I made cheer captain, and the only reaction I got was a monotone “nice”. I started dating my now husband freshman year, and at one point I didn’t see him for 8 months because she wouldn’t let me.

That was just high school, and not even the worst of it. From the time I was 4 until I was 12 I was in and out of foster care (my father passed away when I was 4 and he had had full custody), until she finally got full custody of me in sixth grade.

I have three sisters and a brother as well, and only one of those sisters talks to my mom. She’s so much like my mother though it’s not a surprise.

My mom has continuously told me things like “your father would be disappointed in you”, “I can’t stand you/to look at you”, and cried while saying “where did I go wrong?” talking about her parenting and how awful I am. Well uh mom, I think maybe it was the drugs? Or the abuse that got my siblings taken away in the first place? Or the fact I was born addicted to meth? Idk tho, just a guess.

Well, I quit talking to her for a year and a half after I turned 18. I just moved out and didn’t speak to her. She started trying to RUIN me. Saying I was a whore and cheating on my husband (then fiancé) and things to that effect. (Hint: I wasn’t.) After a year, I just really missed my family because my WHOLE family cut me off after that because of what she was saying. So I reached out and we reconnected, and that was over two years ago. Since then, I’ve bent over backwards for my family. I’ve provided christmases for family members “from mom” because she couldn’t afford it. I’ve paid my moms bills idk how many times. I GAVE her my car because I got a new one.

Then my sister (who still speaks to my mom) broke up with her boyfriend and she had no one to watch their 5 kids. So she asked me to stay with her for a couple weeks while she figured something out. I said yes and moved in with her for FOUR MONTHS. Quit my job and LEFT MY HUSBAND who still had to work two hours away. Finally, I told her I was going to move back home and that she needed to figure something else out because I wasn’t supposed to be staying there long term. In a week, she had a cousin watching them and I left. My mom flipped on me, saying there’s “no excuse” and that I “fucked my own sister over”. I uprooted my whole life to help her out, but yet I’m the bad guy?! Uh okay. I blew it off thinking it would blow over. That was three months ago.

Recently, I had a miscarriage. My sister called me flipping out because she found out my husband and I moved closer to where we grew up without telling them I had. I’m not even sure how she found out. But the day she called me going off was the day I found out and heard “there’s no heartbeat”. Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED and I told her what happened. She ran and told our mother, who then texted me this.

By “hell” she means not talking to her for a year and a half because her cracked out friends would run to her saying “oh I saw her in walmart” and shit like that.

She texted me this KNOWING I was going through a miscarriage. KNOWING I was hurting so bad.

I haven’t talked to her since, and I really feel like I just shouldn’t talk to her anymore. The problem is, I still have to deal with a lot of this and hear about what is being said about me if I stay in touch with said sister. Should I just cut everyone off?

P.S. I’m so sorry I know this is long but I just don’t know what else to do 😞

//UPDATE//

So after my miscarriage and that text, I stopped speaking to my mother. She didn’t try to reach out, and I didn’t either. I hadn’t spoken to her until last week, when I went to visit my grandma who lives with her. My mother was cold and didn’t even acknowledge my existence, so I guess it just makes it easier to keep her at an arms length.

I can’t begin to explain how appreciative I am of everyone commenting. I’ve know what I need to do for a long long time, but to hear everyone telling me—all of you who are outside looking in—just confirms I’m NOT crazy, because she is really good at making me feel like I’m imagining everything. Gaslighting at its finest, folks.

As for therapy, we used to have a family therapist (I’m not positive, because I was barely a teenager, but from what I remember she was court ordered). She would come into the home and speak to us. Looking back, I definitely just told her what she wanted to hear because she would talk to us in a family setting, and I knew if I said something I shouldn’t there would be hell to pay later. The therapist got to leave, I didn’t.

For everyone telling me to move away, I know we all know it’s not that easy. My husband and I are both from here, so we’d be leaving everything we’ve ever known. Right now he’s also finishing up college and working (he’s a godsend honestly) and he’ll be done next May. We plan to move to a different state when he graduates, and have our sights set on Colorado. We currently live in Missouri, and have a really close friend who lives there with his family. We’ve visited there twice and we both love it.

You all have mentioned how great my husband is, and honestly, you’re so right. He’s put up with so much shit and he doesn’t deserve it. Hell, I don’t deserve it. My mother (or incubator as a few have called her) has even tried to talk badly about him to me. Like there has been a few times I’ve came to her about some issues we were having (I know, BIG MISTAKE.) They weren’t even like huge deal-breaking issues. Just petty stuff I needed to vent about. Well after that she would make comments to me about him when he wasn’t around like hinting that he was controlling or manipulative. Things like “I’m surprised you’re able to leave the house without your shadow”. I think she expected me to laugh, or agree, (I know my sister shit talks her boyfriend with my mother so I’m sure she thought I would too) but instead I defended him. My husband has been there for me when not even my own family was and I’m not letting anyone speak of him that way.

Like I said earlier, I am so thankful for the outpouring of support I’ve received. Everyone has told me what I already knew but didn’t want to admit. Thank you all SO much. I can’t wait to get out of here and start my own life without the dead weight. My mother just isn’t someone I want my children to know.