Stupid secrets- How would you handle this?

Question

Husband had dipped our entire relationship. No big deal. Whatevs. 
He decides to quit. He’s scared of cancer & losing his teeth. Yay him! I quit vaping 2 years ago so I understand quitting nicotine. 
He starts back while at work & goes way out of his way to hide it from me. He admits one night & breaks down nearly crying over how sorry he is for lying/hiding things in our marriage. Swears he won’t do it again. 
FF to last night. After him begging for a friends last cigarette, I was on to him (cravings). I asked him if he was still doing it behind my back, he says no several times. Then admits to it with a “so what? I’ll take my ass chewing” attitude. I dropped it because we were down the street at a friends. 
We had a fun night & came home to bed. He went to work this morning. We haven’t had time alone to talk. 
Is it even worth bringing up again? Do I have the right to be so hurt that he’d hide something AGAIN after the what I thought was heartfelt apology? Even though the dipping isn’t really a big deal itself? Am I crazy for wondering what else he’d hide now? 
Any advise?!

Answer

I don't think it's worth an argument but I would bring to his attention that you don't have an issue with him dipping what you have an issue with is him lying to you about quitting and if he's going to quit great bc I know it's hard but if not just say hey I'm not quitting and stop lying.

Answer

my bf just recently quit smoking weed. he was doing really well until one time i got in his car and it smelled like weed so i asked him if he had been smoking and he insisted he didnt and i knew he was lying. i told him i knew he was lying and he told me that the only reason he lied was because he was afraid of me being disappointed in him. maybe this is a similar situation?

Answer

You have a right to be mad since he’s lying about something so trivial. Makes you wonder what else he is lying about. My husband did the same thing to me and made me feel like the bad person in the relationship. He would do something and I would catch him in a lie and he would tell me he was doing it to better our family, etc. I believed him. Then found out the truth and almost got divorced over it. He was taking money from our bank account and saying he was saving it to have cash on hand....when really he was spending it on bad things. So I thought he was helping our family and he used my emotions to guilt trip me. It’s hard, I get it.

Answer

Sounds like he is embarrassed that he has “failed” and feels like he has let you down. Also sounds like macho talk in front of friends about smoking a cigarette. I think you guys should talk about it to figure out why he feels the need to hide. Does he not want to let you down? Is he embarrassed? Does he really want the tobacco but knows you don’t want him to? Finding the root is best.

Answer

Not worth the argument. My husband has been trying to quit smoking for years. I know it must be hard and I know that he tries but I always want him to know he can come to me a with a slip up and know I won’t get mad, rather than hide it from me. Maybe your husband feels like if he doesn’t hide it you’ll get more mad?

Answer

I think you have a right to bring up the lying, but I don’t think it needs to be an argument. Just have the conversation with him that it’s not the dipping that’s the problem, it’s the lying. 
My husband chews as well (started when he was like 15 because his dad did it). While I would love for him to quit, it really doesn’t bother me. He tried to quit once and it was just too hard for him at the time.
It’s an extremely difficult thing to quit. I just think perhaps he is ashamed when he starts it again and hiding it from you makes him feel like he didn’t fail so much? Maybe if he understands that you’re not going to judging him, he’ll realize that lying about it is silly and creates bigger problems than just telling the truth.

Answer

I do think you should bring it up, but I would also ask what’s making him feel like he needs to hide it. If he’s struggling and feels like you judge/nag him then maybe you should work on that. HOWEVER, if it’s a matter of him not wanting to change then he never will. People only change for themselves (with the help of others) but not for or by the prompting of others.

Answer

You’re not unreasonable for being mad, that’s absolutely understandable when you’re being lied to. I think if you choose your conversation wisely, it may be worth talking about (and a potential argument if it follows). But it depends. If you come at him saying he needs to quit, it seems like he will just keep hiding it when he can’t withstand the cravings anymore. But you should def talk about his lying and maybe let him know it’s totally ok to talk to you about his struggles, just don’t lie about them! Maybe there’s a compromise you could find? Good luck, sorry you’re going through this 😐

Stupid secrets- How would you handle this?

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