Postpartum Existential Crisis ???

Question

Update: I don't want to come off anon with all this but I appreciate your comments with all of my heart. I know it's going to be okay one day, I'm just having a hard time right now. Thank you so much. There's peace and reassurance in the solidarity of womanhood.
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Nobody has to read all of this if they don't want, I'm just drowning and I have to get this all out of my head and written down somewhere tangible. My baby is 7 weeks old and I'm managing a consistent 2-3 hours of sleep a day. The other 20 or so I'm overwhelmed in anxiety and sadness for my son. I'm terrified something is going to happen to him. SIDS, auto accident, undetected disease- who knows. I've become almost obsessive in checking that he's breathing, the right temperature, clean diaper, etc. I can't sleep unless his father is awake and actively caring for him, which between daily life errands and his work schedule (and his sleeping for work) is about 3-4 total hours of the day. And even then I can't sleep peacefully because my anxiety wakes me up and every 15 minutes, compelling me to micromanage my poor boyfriend's parenting."Can you hold his head up a little better?" "Can you tip the bottle more? I feel like he's getting too much air." I can't help it, but understandably he's getting annoyed that I keep "correcting" him because he feels like I doubt his competence as a parent. Which sadly I can't say I don't- but its not his fault. I can't trust anyone with my baby. I've also developed a recent fixation on human mortality. I know everybody has to die one day, but I'm bombarded with thoughts of my precious baby's death. I feel like such a selfish monster for bringing him into a world just for him to die one day anyway.  I keep visualizing horrible, horrible images of finding him dead or injured, or dropping him on his head. Everything feels dangerous. I don't even leave my house with him except for his appointments. It almost makes me wish I never had him. On top of this I have hoarded about 1200 photos and videos of him in my phone. I feel like I have to capture every moment or I'll forget them, which in turn prevents me from actually experiencing them with him because I'm glued behind the camera. It's delusional but I feel like all the pictures and videos somehow make him more "real", and like if I keep taking them he can't die. All of this isn't cohesive to any one point, I'm just venting but I'm going crazy from being constantly on the brink of terror and not getting any sleep. Baby's currently peacefully sleeping in my lap and I love him more than anything on this earth. Mama's doing her best baby boy.

Answer

Oh girl, I’m so sorry. I don’t know too much about this in detail but the first thing that popped into my head was postpartum psychosis. I also really think a lot of this is from a lack of sleep. I really want you to go see a doctor and explain all of these things. I don’t have much advice but my heart hurts for you because this is scary. It’s not a shameful thing to admit you need help and to get help. I really hope you do, and get a good nights sleep or 2, too. 
I heard someone talking about this before and how she was scared of counter tops because she somehow convinced herself that she was going to hit her baby’s head on counter tops. It’s a real, psychological thing and what you’re feeling is valid. I’ll try to find the thing im talking about.

Answer

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Like someone else said, no one talks about it. I experienced postpartum anxiety and I’m still working on it. Getting more sleep really helped... remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Medication didn’t work for me but has helped so many women. I see a therapist once a week that has really helped me come out of it. You will get through this I promise. 💕

Answer

This sounds almost exactly like what I went through when i had my son. It's not postpartum psychosis so do t get scared of that. It's postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder or postpartum anxiety. I almost had a nervous break down because i couldn't even sleep while my baby was sleeping because i was so so anxious. You have to talk to someone, your doc, a social worker, etc... You cant do it alone mama. I talked to my midwife and they put me on a very low dose of Zoloft immediately. It helped so so much. Also i finally had my hubby gone my son a couple formula bottles and i slept for 6 hrs straight. It was like a whole new world when i woke up. You have to have to try to get more than 4 hrs of sleep. Maybe try melonin or Benadryl just to help you relax to sleep. Also try the app Insight Timer for guided meditation it helped me so much. Remember you are not a bad mom, your baby is perfect. All the scary thoughts your having are not real. You love your son so your brain is running through every bad scenario to try to best prepare you to protect your baby in all situations. But when your tired and anxious the bad thoughts run wild. Stop, breathe deeply for several minutes and focus on what's happening RIGHT NOW, not yesterday, not what could happen tmrw, but right at this moment. Look at your baby and see that at this moment your baby is safe. I feel you so hard mama, it will get better with time if you get help

Answer

This is the part of postpartum no one talks about. I had pp anxiety with my first and I can relate to some of the things you mentioned here. You need sleep and appointment to see your Dr. I hope you get the help you need mama.

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I think you have postpartum OCD. Please please please talk to your doctor about therapy or medication. You and your baby deserve it!!

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What about an owlet monitor? Would that help lessen your anxiety and sleep more? They are pricey but they have refurbished ones and also they have payment plans. I bought a refurbished one. It comes with new socks. I’m paying $34 every month for 6 months. It also seems like you need to have a talk with your doctor. I know you’re scared something will happen but this is not normal. Some anxiety is but this seems very very overboard.

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Mama I felt all of this. It is the loneliest and scariest feeling in the world but I promise you are doing a GREAT job and you WILL survive this. There is something that saved my life - it’s called Postpartum Support International (postpartum help line). They set me up with a therapist who specializes in post partum anxiety and depression and OCD, and I’m serious she’s the best therapist and one of the best humans I’ve ever met. I still see her weekly or biweekly because mine was so bad, but I promise it is so worth it to have someone to talk to. Sending you soooooooo much love and strength.

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I struggle with the same thing and my daughter is 2 and a half years old....

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As you can see,  you're so not alone!! I had my son in August 2017 and immediately experienced pp anxiety. I already suffered from anxiety throughout puberty,  but this was different.  I went to change my son one day and realized I couldn't physically make myself go down the stairs. I could just see him slipping from my arms. I almost thought about sliding downstairs on my butt,  but then recognized my anxiety signs,  did some quick breathing exercises, and pushed through it. I STRONGLY advise talking to someone. I've grown up with anxiety, so I have my own coping mechanisms, but a doctor is truly,  truly, what you need. You deserve to enjoy this time with your baby ♥️. You're not crazy,  you're not alone,  and I'm personally rooting for you here in Michigan!!!!!

Answer

I had the same problem and it ended with me camping out for three days in our local crisis center because I thought I was gonna end up hurting my child. I'm now on anti depressants and anxiety medication and it's only been a week but i honestly feel better. Go to the doctor and ask for meds. There's no shame in it and you can't take care of you child properly unless you are taking care of yourself

Postpartum Existential Crisis ???

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