The Hard Days

Motherhood.

The hardest milestone to reach. Conquer. Todays what I like to call our, "Tempting days".

My sons a year old and is giving me a run for my money. We've been up since 6:30am with screaming on and off all day. Its officially 7pm right now. That's over 12 hours of constant neediness and uncomfortable flailing with headbutts, slaps and full blown tantrums. I love my son but today I cant even find the time to love myself...

I feel guilty. Guilty because I'm so incredibly miserable today. My life could be far worse. My son could be severely sick in the hospital, but yet, here I am complaining about a hard long demanding day...

Motherhood is conflicting. You feel guilty because things could be worse but on the hard days you try to find validation in the ways you're feeling. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. Burnt out. Ect. Yet, finding validation in something that seems so small is hard. You tell yourself to knock it off and suck it up because you're being selfish. There's woman who have lost their own children, (my sisters son included to a freak drowning accident 18 days after I had my son) and you feel selfish for wanting help or wanting a break.

Today, I felt defeated, selfish, overexxagerated and rundown. I also feel entirely guilty because I allowed myself to feel this way but I know I shouldn't. As a mom, you try to find a balance in your days. A moment of silence. That small time frame to focus on you, but I didn't get that today. .

I love my son, even with my ears ringing with screams, but today was tempting to just quit. I cant though because he needs me. He needs me to feel clean, fed, loved and to get to sleep. I'm needed for somebody else far more than Im5 needed for myself. Selflessness at its finest.

Today, I lost my mental battle. Today I cried. Today I lost my temper and yelled... I failed in my mind but I know in a sense I truly didnt. My baby is currently cuddling into me while we watch Gnome Alone. Hes finally quiet and now the quietness is creeping the guilt underneath it.

Being a mom means never feeling at peace and today has truly put that into perspective. The only peace I have is knowing hes safe healthy and loved. Even on days like today.

You've got this mama. Todays rough but failure is not an actual option. Tempting days are just that. Tempting. Those babies though, they love us and that's more powerful than the temptation to cave.