Dear my abuser, the rapist, my ex boyfriend.

I'm still not okay.

I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of knowing that, but I'm not.

You got away with it. You got away with controlling me, abusing me and raping me for three years. No 13 year old should have to go through what I did. No 13 year old should have to fear somebody that much.

I hated myself for not being strong enough to stop you. I resented myself for not speaking up. 3 years isn't much of an age gap, but at 16 you knew better. And as a severely depressed and damaged 13 year old, I was vulnerable. And you knew that.

You knew, from day one, that you could have me in any way you wanted.

I'm 17 now.

And if it weren't for you, I could be like any other 17 year old.

But instead I live with he weight of what you did hanging over my head.

When people tell me you've talked about me, bragged about having sex with me, it makes my skin crawl. It makes my skin crawl to know that you even think about me.

You had sex. I was raped.

And I'm still too scared to speak up. I'm still too scared to contact the police. Because I can't prove it anymore. And when I could, I was too scared.

And I'm still too scared. Because people will think I'm lying. And I'm scared you'll send people after me. I'm scared you'll keep me quiet.

You are a sociopath. You ruined my life. And you are the only person in this world who I wish death upon.

I'm sorry that I let my 13 year old self down. I'm sorry that I'm still not strong enough to speak up.