I got mad earlier.

I got mad earlier. You were inconsolable. A big bottle didn’t help, a hundred diaper changes didn’t help, your paci didn’t help. I just wanted to clip your nails and then get you bathed. You were crying and yanking your hand back and I was afraid I’d clip your skin by accident. You kicked me in the stomach for the twentieth time and I’d had it, and I yelled at you. It scared you and you cried harder.

I had to walk away for a minute and just let you cry. My head was pounding and I was way too mad. The dog looked at me with her soft brown eyes and I think she was telling me just to hold you, so that’s what I did. Almost immediately you stopped crying and looked at my face.

You’re almost two months old. You’re so little. I got mad and I yelled at you. All you know is momma and that momma helps you and makes you feel safe. And I yelled at you. And baby, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I never want you to feel like I don’t care or like I won’t take care of you. I’m so sorry. I need you like I need oxygen, I just get overwhelmed sometimes. You always come first.

You’re asleep in my arms now after barely napping at all today. You just needed a hug and I should’ve recognized that sooner. Taking a bath can wait. Finishing your nails can wait. Me having to pee and eat and wait. You’re so content now and that makes me feel better. You’re smiling in your sleep and it’s making me cry because it’s so cute.

I got mad earlier and I’m sorry. I love you.