March is Trisomy Awareness Month. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes in most or all of their cells for a total of 46 chromosomes in all. These chromosomes include DNA and other material that provide a blueprint for “building” a person. Some people have trisomy conditions—those related to having an extra chromosome in most or all of their cells, for a total of 47 chromosomes in all. An extra chromosome can cause a variety of health problems ranging from mild intellectual and developmental disability (IDD), to severe physical problems. During Trisomy Awareness Month in March, the NICHD joins other agencies and organizations in raising awareness about trisomy conditions and the challenges they may pose to individuals and families. Last year in March Val and I announced our pregnancy. We were due in Octobelr, but unfortunately life had other plans.

The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life! So many thoughts ran through my mind, but my first thought was how I was going to announce to Val that we were going to be parents. So I rushed to Walmart at 10:30pm bought 6 beers, a baby bottle, and a card. I replaced a beer bottle with the baby bottle, and inside the card I explained how happy I was that we were soon to welcome a beautiful baby into our lives. When I got home I placed the beer on his desk and he said, “thanks, but he wasn’t thirsty.” I asked him to look again and that’s when he saw the baby bottle and said, “wait, what is that?!... is that a bottle?” And I said, “you are going to be a daddy.” We were both extremely excited to become parents, and we started prepping for the baby’s arrival. We told our families, our close friends, and started the baby's room and finally on the 12th week of pregnancy we made an announcement on Facebook letting everyone know. We received an overwhelming number of congratulations!

Two days later I had my 12-week appointment. I opted in to take all the genetic testing they offered because my cousin did it and told me I should do it too. Normally at 12 weeks you are finally out in the clear to announce your pregnancy. Well unfortunately for us that was not the case. My grandma came to my 12-week appointment with me because she wanted to see the baby, we were both so excited, and when the nurse started to check my stomach I could tell something was wrong. I of course asked if everything was okay and she said, “yes, I will be right back.” My mind started racing and my grandma tried to calm me down. Another nurse came in and started poking my stomach, said the baby needed to get into a different position. Finally, the baby moved and she started taking measurements. I thought I was in the clear until the doctor came in. My whole world fell apart when she walked in because it’s never good news when a doctor comes in after having two nurses come in and out. She came in, stated her name and started off by saying “I’m really sorry...” three words no pregnant woman ever wants to hear. I started crying and I say, “I knew something was wrong, what is it.” The doctor tells me that my baby had 7mm of amniotic fluid surrounding the whole entire body and that the baby has cystic hygroma. And she explains that it could be caused by two things: Down syndrome or trisomy 18. She said trisomy 18 was the worst case scenario because it would mean that my baby had no chance of survival and I would need to terminate my pregnancy. She said she wanted me to do the amniocentesis in order to get the baby’s DNA to determine what was wrong. My first initial reaction was NO WAY since that had a high miscarriage rate and I was not about to risk my baby’s life. But after speaking to my mom she made me realize I need to do everything I can to make sure the baby is okay, and I am prepared for what is to come. So here I was with all this information and I remembered OMG how am I going to break this to Val. So I call him and of course I’m hysterical on the phone. He’s at work, and I tell him what’s going on. He says he’s on his way right now. So I get prepped for my amino procedure, I’m lying on the table, and Val comes in. He looks at me with these brave eyes, I can tell he’s trying to keep it all together for me. Finally, doctor says she’s going to perform the amino test. My grandma covers my eyes, and all I feel is such pain of tugging and pulling as they stick a massive needle through my stomach. I have tears running down my face and all I could think about is my precious baby, and hoping everything is going to be okay. They told us the results would be back on Monday. During the weekend I kept a brave face while everyone asked me how the baby was doing, and I simply smiled and said great! Which normally they tell you to expect the best. My whole family kept telling me everything would be okay, but how could it be when a doctor told me to expect the worse.

Monday morning as I was driving to school I received a call from the doctor. She stated I’m very sorry. Just then I knew everything was not okay. I start balling my eyes out knowing what comes next is not good news. She says, “The results came back positive for trisomy 18, and trisomy 18 is incompatible with life. You will need to terminate your pregnancy because your baby girl will either die in your stomach, or will be still birth, and this potentially put your life in at risk.” I start shedding more tears hearing that I was going to have a baby girl. My sweet little beautiful baby girl. She proceeds to tell me that this is not genetic and it was just bad luck. I get to school and I was a wreck. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. Thank god for my amazing friends, support system at STU Law, and my family for being there to pick me up when I honestly felt like the whole world stopped and came crashing down. I called Val told him what was happening and he said he would meet me at home. My cousin and aunt picked me up from school and I went to my grandma’s house first where I sat and I was just ANGRY with the world. WHY, would this be happening to me! I never did anything to deserve this. I have always wanted to be a mom. I don’t do drugs, I barely drink. I felt like I’m overall a good person. I kept thinking about all those people who do drugs, or have children and treat them horribly, and kept thinking why would they be given the miracle of having a baby and they don’t even cherish it.

On April 12, 2017 at four and a half months pregnant, I had to say goodbye to my precious baby girl. Mommy had been waiting so long to have you, but life had other plans. I was still not ready to say goodbye. But doctors sent me to an abortion clinic. Out of all places to send someone for a MEDICAL TERMINATION, this was the worst experience of my life. I was sitting in the waiting room with my mom, and my amazing supportive boyfriend while I was filling out the paperwork with tears running down my face. I looked around at all these young teenage girls, who had a perfectly healthy miracle growing inside them, and they didn’t have a single tear, and were smiling as they filled out the paper work. I don’t think they even comprehended what was about to happen. I felt sorry for them. The clinic wanted me to go alone, and said my boyfriend and mother could come back within a few hours, unless I were to pay an extra $500 for a private room. Thank god my mom was there and paid it because if she hadn’t I would have been placed on a cold bench with a curtain after my procedure, all alone. Seeing the teenagers by themselves made me sad, that they had to go through something like this alone. When I got to the room they made my do an ultrasound where I got to hear my baby girls heart beat one last time. The hardest part was my baby girl sounded fine and still had a strong healthy heart beat. But I knew she wasn’t fine because the amino test took DNA from my baby girl, and that is what determined that she had trisomy 18. After I got prepped for my D&C procedure, and within a couple minutes I woke up in a different room. I kept grabbing my stomach hoping to feel her, but all I felt was emptiness inside me. I never got a chance to hold her, cuddle her, or rock her till she would stop crying. People keep telling me things happen for a reason, but I still can’t make any sense of what happened. I never understood how people could miss a baby they never had, but now I know the love I felt for my baby girl the second I found out I was pregnant. Baby girl I want you to know I love you with all my heart. I know you are safe now, and I will someday get to meet you. I miss you every day and think of you every day. I love you.

I just want people to know that things happen that are out of our control. We can’t stop being the person that we are, and let all this anger, and sadness overwhelm our life. You need to open up with people in your life and let them know how you are feeling because the only reason I was able to keep pushing through is because of all the amazing people in my life. This was the worst thing that happened to me and Val, and I don’t know what I would have done without my amazing support system. Most women who find out they have trisomy baby’s find out when they are giving birth, or much later on in their pregnancy. I give those women, and every other woman out there who have had to go through this my sincerest respects. As well as all the fathers who have held their wives, or girlfriend's hand during this difficult time. It’s not easy having to make a decision to terminate your pregnancy, or having to give birth to a child who was born asleep, or passed away within a couple hours of being born. My termination was the most difficult experience of my life. I lived through it, faced up to the reality of it, and I had to accept the choice I made since it was right under my circumstances. Whatever your decision may be, just know it has to be right for you no matter what others tell you.