I knew it’d be hard but I had no idea. We had a awful birth that resulted with my baby getting brain damage and a 18 day nicu stay. We are at home now and I love him with my whole heart and couldn’t imagine my life without him but I feel like I awful mom and he deserves better. I went off my anti depressiants because when I looked up the affect on breastmilk it was unknown and I didn’t wanna risk it. I’m sitting here on the couch listening to my son hiccup and crying because I love him so much and I feel so bad I failed him. It was my job to deliver him with no complications and I couldn’t do that and now he has brain damage because I couldn’t get him out fast enough after his heart rate dropped to the 30s. I don’t know how to get this awful feeling to stop because I love my life so much and I know it’s not my fault but a little voice in my head tells me it is.