Not sure if anyone will actually read this but I really need to let this out. I’ve struggled with anorexia and bulimia on and off for a long time. When I was 8 years old I would walk around with my stomach sucked in as far as it would go because I felt fat although I was pretty small. One day while sucking in my stomach a classmate told me I was super skinny and that felt so good so I started doing exercises out of a book I found on my mom’s bookshelf that were supposed to burn fat quickly. I did the exercises frequently and soon began skipping meals because getting through that one meal without eating meant I was eating less calories than I would have normally. Over the years it just got worse and worse although it didn’t get too bad until around age 14 when I started throwing up everything I ate until it got to the point where I’d automatically throw up even if I didn’t try to. It went on for a while and I wasn’t seeing much difference in my weight at all so I didn’t wanna throw up anymore and decided I would try starving myself. I got a prescription for promethazine to help me stop throwing up and it worked. Then I just stopped eating. I downloaded a calorie counter and didn’t let myself eat more than a few hundred calories a couple days a week. I was losing weight but felt extremely weak and had almost no energy at all. I was eventually hospitalized and put on a feeding tube for a while. When I got out of the hospital I began eating normal again for a while but it didn’t last. At 16 I was prescribed Vyvanse and immediately loved the fact that it suppressed my appetite and I started eating less and when I did eat it was in small amounts. Because Vyvanse is a stimulant I had very increased energy even without eating and the small amount I ate was usually burnt off. I started to constantly feel the need to clean and organize and would stay up all night doing so even tho I had school the next day and I couldn’t stop. I developed a tolerance to the Vyvanse so I began taking more and more of it. At one point I was taking 180mg everyday. I ended up falling a drug test at my doctor for cocaine so they took me off of vyvanse but I still didn’t eat. Thankfully I started dating my boyfriend and he helped me not to feel like I need to starve myself and eventually I began eating like normal. Now I’m 18 and Im still with my boyfriend and I love him but the eating disorder trouts are coming back because I’ve gained a lot of weight since I starved myself and all I can think is that I’m fat. I feel like I should exercise but I have Narcolepsy and it’s extremely hard for me to get the energy to do so and I also don’t have a job right now so I can’t get a gym membership. I haven’t eaten today and I’m so hungry but I can’t stop feeling like if I eat I’ll have failed myself.

Me at 16

Me now

Update: Thank you all so much 😭😍 I was really struggling earlier but your comments really encouraged me. I finally ate and my mind is starting to think more positive thoughts. Not gonna let myself relapse ❤️