I’ve had extremely bad trouble coping. I have no where to express the full depth of what I’ve been feeling.

I’m nearly 20 just to add any context.

I had to stop seeing my psychologist because I can’t financially afford to anymore. And that is on a Mental Health Care Plan. So I’m on a 6 week waiting list with a bulk-billed clinic, but I’m not sure I can manage another 6 weeks. My GP is going on maternity leave. I tried writing a forum post on Beyond Blue for advice on their ‘suicidal and self harm’ topic, I strictly followed their guidelines when writing it, so of course I avoided writing exactly how I felt, but I tried otherwise explaining. The post got approved and posted by their moderators, but I check this morning to see if there was any advice and it is deleted.

I can’t email their services or other company’s online service because what am I going to say? I can’t express exactly how I feel because they alert emergency and/or non-emergency services. That’s not a route that is going to remotely help me manage what is going on.

I don’t have any friends. Genuinely none, not a single person. I have my partner of 5 years but whenever I get to expressing how I feel, he either: 1. Doesn’t care almost at all, once I was about to OD and he didn’t want to come see me because he was with his friends. Or 2. He turns it around and makes it out like I’m telling him our relationship isn’t enough (I ALWAYS make sure to say that our relationship is the only positive going on in my life). He then turns the conversation into what he is feeling, how it hurts him when I tell him what’s going on with me. I end up feeling guilty and apologising.

I’m chronically ill, I’m even in hospital as I write this. I haven’t had anyone see me for 3 days. My mum contacts me once in the morning to see if I’m coming home. Which also means I have no clothes, deodorant or anything. My partner was going to visit me today but he won’t come without his mother and she’s busy. Out of the 20+ times I’ve been in hospital, he’s visited me maybe 8 or so times. Every time it’s with his mum too, don’t get me wrong, I love chatting with her but sometimes I just want to be held by my partner and talk with him privately (he knows this). I’ve only ever had one other person visit me in hospital (besides my mum).

I’m so completely alone. Work is my only outlet and my manager won’t roster me on more often than 2 shifts a fortnight. I have no other outlet. I don’t think I can keep coping another 6 weeks. I can’t manage alone. I tried telling my partner I really need him here for me at the moment and I’m not coping, that I’m so stressed out it physically hurts, but he won’t, not without his mum here too. He said he’s trying to be here for me.

I have no one to turn to, no one to be completely honest to. I don’t know what to do with myself right now.