My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We both wanted kids. The day after our honeymoon we found out we were pregnant. This was not planned and a pleasant surprise for me. I think he was a little rattled. Eventually we were both excited. We told our family early and they were all so excited. Somewhere between 6 & 7 weeks, I miscarried. I was devastated and hysterical for days.

We still wanted kids and kept trying. A little over three months later we were pregnant again. We decided to keep it on the DL this time. My mother in law sniffed it out and started berating me with questions. It made me very uncomfortable as most are in that situation. The day after my husband’s birthday I began miscarrying again at 6 weeks.

I went to the doctor. We checked my thyroid levels (they were out of whack). So she put me on medication to correct it. She also put me on a prescription folic acid supplement and told me to take low dose aspirin everyday. The doctor said the next time I get a positive to call her and she would prescribe me progesterone pills.

I did all this. I did all this while being so incredibly scared and hesitant to try again. The pain that both miscarriages brought was almost unbearable. There was a point I was considering checking myself into some type of mental health facility because I couldn’t stand it. All that pain made me completely disenchanted with the idea of having children. I didn’t want to go through the pain again.

I figured if/when we got pregnant again, I would automatically be excited. I wanted to want to have kids. I thought when I got that next BFP I would want to have a child. I mean, I’ve wanted to have kids all my life, how could that not bring the excitement back? My husband definitely wanted a child more than I did at this point. He was pretty obsessed with the idea. At one point he told me it was be difficult for him to stay engaged in the relationship if we did have kids.

Well, we are pregnant again and I’ve tried to be excited. I tried to think positively about decorating a baby’s room, watching my child surpass developmental milestones, spending holidays together, planning a baby shower, etc. I cannot get excited.

I’m so confused as to why I don’t want a child anymore. Especially after trying to get pregnant for a year and after two miscarriages. I should be ecstatic! I want to want a baby. I want to be happy about this, but I’m just not. I told my husband that I want to end the pregnancy because I just cannot think positively about this change in our life. He told me I’m evil and that he wants a divorce. I don’t blame him. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.... if they have I’m probably posting this on the wrong app! I just feel like I’m broken.

Thanks to anyone who read this.