My husband and I were extremely lucky falling as fast as we did with our first child. Our princess is nearly 3 years old and we wanted to grow our family more.

Noone tells you of secondary infertility.

Noone tells you how hard it can be falling again.

Noone tells you how much your cycle will change after your first child and the years leading to ttc #2 or #3

But so many god damn people will tell you "it'll happen when its time" or "when god tells you" or "when you forget about it thats when it'll happen" and yeah I love you but please stop. Stop asking when I'm having another child, stop telling me these things when I continue to go each month with negative after negative. It hurts, you're told you should feel blessed you already have one, yeah and I do feel blessed. But think about it anyone who understands this will feel it. You've done it once so why won't it happen again, what's wrong with me. I can't count how many time these thoughts go through my mind.

It's such a hard emotion to explain. Should I feel guilty for being upset for not falling pregnant because atleast I have a child and others don't. but then what do I do with my own sadness looking as only one line shows up and as family ask when we are giving our daughter a sibling.

Rant over.

Ps I am thankful everyday I get to see our daughter smile at me, she along with my husband are what keeps me from crying every time another month fails to bring us the next edition to our family.

Update 14/09/2020

Seeing everyones messages and stories reminds me everyday that I'm not alone in this.

Yes I am still trying, we just hit two years of trying.

Yes it still hurts and I think it will for a long time.

Do I still get asked when am I having another one? Yes

Do I still get told the same "positive messages"? Yes

Has much changed since I originally posted this?

No not really. Atleast not in this subject.

The only thing I have been able to take away from this long journey is that my relationship with my husband became stronger, we confide in each other more than ever, we make time to just lay in bed together and just laugh over stupid tiktoks we find together.

My daughter will be four this week. And sometimes I just cry seeing how shes not my little baby anymore.

I cherish every fleeting moment as I watch her grow into a little lady.

I try to put my energy and mind into different things I love to jeep my mind at bay to help ease the pain when the cycle of negatives continues to go on.

I write stories, I dance, I draw, I cook and I share these things with my daughter and husband because I'm atleast the most thanful and lucky to have them by my side through it all aswell

There is no grand story behind it. There is no sugar coating the pain we feel because it's real and I wont apologise for my pain nor should anyone going through it should either.

I won't tell you it'll happen when it's meant to.

I'll just tell you, you aren't alone. That I feel and respect your pain. That its valid, that there are days we all feel like just giving up. But an ear is always here if you just need a good rant or someone to talk to. Because while we can't change anything else we can atleast still be there for one another

UPDATE: 6/1/21

It finally happened. 2 and a half years of trying. And we are finally pregnant with #2

Bloods have been confirmed and we are measuring at 6 weeks.

I'm a little shocked, I didn't think it'd ever happen. But its here. And I'm so glad we didn't give up.

I still stand by what I've said in that it isn't easy. It wasn't at all. But we were lucky. And i can only wish everyone who is still trying for another child all the baby dust and luck in the world.

I'm still here. No matter the distance