5 years ago I ended a relationship with my high school sweet heart. We had been together for close to 3 years when I left. I had been going through a really hard time when i started to think about breaking it off. My father had been sent to prison and the whole ordeal had been really traumatic to me. My bf was there for me the whole time but that didnt stop me from getting depressed.

The night before I left him I was staying with a friend and the whole time I was there both her and her mother were putting it in my head that I would feel better if I was single. At first I knew not to belive them but unfourtanly they got in my head at a time I was very vulnerable. When my mom came to pick me up the next day I told her about what I was going to do and she advised me not to go through with it. I did though. I sat in the bathroom googling and piecing together a break up text because I didn't even know how to break up or what to say.

The next day I couldn't belive what I had done. We had been so happy. We were bestfriends and did literally everything together. I tried to apologize and explain that I didnt actually want to be without him. I even made a dorky I'm sorry mix cd.

A week later he was with someone else...if he was anyone else I'd be inclined to believe his new gf and him had been close while we were together but it was completely out of character for him to do that. Truthfully his new gf and the friend who had told me to leave him had become close friends before our breakup. Seems to suspicious to me.

I had just thought I was depressed before. I seriously went off the deep end after he was gone. I ended up hurting him by sleeping with his brother and my intentions weren't even to get back at him it was solely because his brother approached me and I felt like I was nothing and didnt care who used me. I wanted to be used to prove I was worthless. In the end I'm not sure he ever blamed me for the whole thing but I know it hurt him.

I tried at one point to get him to leave his gf because she was cheating on him. He didnt want to belive me. I knew I should stay out of his business but I still wanted to protect him. A few years later while he was in basic training she got pregnant by his roommate and best friend. He was single for awhile but ended up with a girl that told him he wasn't enough for her. (Two mutual friends told me about it)

We still follow each other on social media but it's been 4 years since I spoke to him. I'm a mother to a beautiful little girl and I'm still with her father even though I've known for a long time I wasn't in love with him anymore. I've tried to leave but it hurts him so bad that I can't be responsible for that pain so I stay. He isn't affectionate. We haven't gone on a real date since we first started dating nearly 4 years ago. It really dosent seem like he loves me either. Just he doesn't want to be alone and lose another child.(He has two others with his ex)

I feel trapped and can't accept that I'm going to live my life like this. I've gotten really depressed again recently and it's getting worse to were I'm having suicidal thoughts. Thinking it might be my only way out of this mess I've made for myself. I always think about my daughter though and about how I could never leave her. What if she thought I didnt love her enough to stay? So instead I'll just have to float through every day hoping that I can handle the pain.

If you read all this thank you. This was more for me to finally get it all out in the open. I've been struggling with hiding this for so long and I'm hoping that this might make things a little better.