I’m sorry if this post is long, I just can’t see a psychologist for an indefinite amount of time, at least for the next 4-6 weeks now (they are aware of my current state-of-mind) and I have no where else to put my feelings out.

I genuinely cannot cope at this point. Since being put on a new antidepressant, I can’t remember to keeping taking it, even with a couple of alarms at night to take it, I just manage to forget. I went from the highest dose of lexapro to 15mg of mirtazapine. I did take it properly for the first 4/5 weeks but I just kept forgetting now.

On top of this, I’m about to cancel my phone plan because I don’t have enough money for it. I get 3-6hrs at work per FORTNIGHT. (Manager says I’m their ‘favourite’ worker but have budget limitations for giving hours). So I get paid around $200 a fortnight. I am on government benefits but because I live under my parent’s roof, their income still impacts the amount I get even though they don’t financially support me, and because my mum got a lump sum payment, my payments are about to stop altogether.

Most of my money goes to medical bills because I’m chronically unwell.

Last week (or the week before, I can’t even remember) I OD’d on prescribed oxycodone. I knew it probably wouldn’t have been enough to do anything, I do have a mild allergy to them though, I took 100mg. I took it in the heat of the moment. I woke up the next day and was throwing up on my hands and knees in the shower and feeling drowsy, but I just took an ondansetron (anti-nausea) I was considering going to the hospital because I wasn’t sure if I had actually made an impact on my health, but I didn’t want my parents knowing, so I just went to work.

I’m so overwhelmed by only getting 3/4 job interviews in the space of 4 years after hundreds of applications (online & in person, I literally carry around my resume in my bag in case I want to apply somewhere).

On top of this, I keep having dream after dream every single night of having miscarriages after the one I had in December a few days before Christmas.

I tolerate so much face-to-face with people. I genuinely just take any and everything. I don’t even feel the urge of being upset/mad/sad when I get treated like rubbish in front of people, not lump at the back of my throat. No pain in my chest or sinking in my stomach. I had a woman at work click her fingers in my face to get my attention, then when I told her we had nothing in stock of what she wanted, she lost her shit at me, and I didn’t feel a single emotion. I just watched her get shitty and I said ‘sorry I can’t be of more help, I hope you have a nice day’ then I walked to another part of the store. Even my coworker said she has no idea how I just stood there and took it all.

But then when I’m alone I’ve had so many panic attacks from being so overwhelmed.

I’m not sure how to manage everything happening. I don’t have friends I can talk to (I just don’t have a single friend in general) then I’ve got my partner but he’s always got a lot going on himself.