my first pregnancy & miscarriage

It was confirmed by my doctor, after over a week of speculation, that I have miscarried. I can’t describe how intense this feeling is - not to my husband, not even to myself. I feel so irrational grieving this strongly, but upon hearing I miscarried, I broke down. It’s more than just the feeling of losing a child, with whom I had already felt connected. It’s all the things I envisioned with that pregnancy, with our future. I’m so exhausted of hearing that it’s normal, that “at least you know you can”, that I can keep trying, that this was God’s plan. I know all of that. That doesn’t make this loss hurt any less. To top it all off, I expressed my concerns of any complications with the miscarriage to my doctor who simply dismissed me and sent me to get blood work done. This same doctor who let me wait in misery and false hope for ten days after my ER visit, just to take a look at my discharge papers and tell me I did, in fact, miscarry. I feel betrayed by my doctors, who became dismissive of something that, while medically common, was new and traumatizing to me. I feel betrayed by my body, who is still overwhelmed with pains and hormones. My body, that couldn’t even have sex with my husband last night due to pain and discomfort. I feel betrayed by my own emotions. Why am I not strong enough? Why do I tear up at random times? Why do I want to share this loss, even though it hurts? I know I’ll be okay. My body will heal. My anger and grief will lessen. I will conceive again. But for now, it all hurts more than I ever could have imagined.