Idk how I feel

Okay so this isn’t a question or anything really I just need to say this and get it off my chest. So not that long ago I had unprotected sex but he pulled out and didn’t even finish until I gave him a BJ but I still got pregnant. (And I’m on birth control) but anyways it ended up being a chemical pregnancy but the whole thing wuss just so emotional cause I’m not ready for a child right now but when I tested positive I was actually kind of excited and then not very long after I just wasn’t and now I’m an emotional mess. Like I wasn’t ready for a baby, but then I was excited, and now I’m really upset yet strangely relieved and I feel guilty for it