I feel like an absolute horrible person right now. Husband and I weren’t ttc but weren’t not trying either. When dh and I were dating I had an abortion. I don’t regret that decision whatsoever. But now I’m crippled with the idea of having another one. When I found out I was pregnant at around 4 weeks I was over the moon. Hubby wasn’t so much as our situation right now isn’t so great. We are currently living with my mom while we plan our move out of state. Hubby is looking for a new job as his boss is laying him off soon. Which means we will be without insurance temporarily. I currently work as a nanny and don’t make a ton of money. We have zero money saved but have been working hard to pay off bills to get our credit score up. Before finding out I was pregnant I enrolled in a course to get my real estate license in the state we are moving to. I was SO excited to start this new career and a new journey. Now that will all be put on hold.

I have already had a few ultrasounds and it was lovely seeing my little bean but the excitement quickly faded and now I am just plain scared. Today was my appt with my new obgyn and on the way there I had to pull over and broke down in tears. I turned around and went back home. I don’t think I can do this. The hardest part is everyone knows I’m pregnant. Family friends etc. I sometimes wonder if having kids at all is really for me.

I try to keep telling myself that when the baby comes it will all have been worth it but I have this impending doom when thinking of the arrival of the baby. How life will drastically change and nothing will ever be the same. Where will we be living? How will I help support the family with a newborn if I can’t work? Will we be struggling financially? Is that what I want? I’m 31 and dh is 32. Ideally if we start a family I’d like to have money saved up and be living in our own home. I’d like to have a career where I will be able to take maternity leave. I’m sorry for ranting but I’ve called and scheduled a tentative appt at the clinic for Saturday morning. I don’t know what to do I can’t stop crying and need some honest advice