I'm sorry. No one knows and I need to talk to someone. TW: Rape

This is going to maybe be a long post? I'm not sure. I haven't drafted a rough draft before posting so it might be kind of clunky and awkward to read. But please bear with me.

On my 20th birthday, my sister in law and best friend invited me over to her house for drinks and cupcakes. I wore a fitted, red and black dress to my knees with fishnets and wedges. I wore a Smokey eye and red lipstick. I felt beautiful.

Fast forward a couple hours and we are all pretty sloshed. My husband, his sister, her boyfriend and me. I had obviously had too much. But my sister in laws boyfriend kept giving me more. I didn't think anything of it because he was my trusted friend. He and I hung out a lot. He never hurt me.

The details are fuzzy. I remember him having to throw out my ripped fishnets before my husband saw and him saying they snagged and ripped.

He took me to get food. Alone. My sister in law and husband were asleep. I lost consciousness for a bit and came back to him and I in a weird place. It obviously wasn't McDonald's like he said. It was pitch black and I was in his car with him on top of me.. I wasn't with it long enough to fight. I passed back out and woke up at his house the next morning.

I couldn't remember why at first. But I felt... off. Something felt wrong. And then I remembered that instance of him in the car. I immediately started sobbing and woke my husband, telling him what I could remember. I thought he would be mad.

But he wasn't. He held me and made sure I knew he was there for me. We left before my sister in law and her boyfriend got up.

He asked me if I wanted to press charges. I said no. I was scared.

I was scared it would be my fault. I was scared they would take his side.

Even now. I feel guilty. I still beat myself up for it. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have drank. I should have stayed home.

I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. My husband gets so hurt if I talk about it. I know he cares, but I hate hurting him. My brother would kill the guy. And everyone else would find me crazy.

Thanks for reading.