I finally cracked after 5 weeks...(kinda long vent)

Just to start with.... I never thought I'd be the mom with ppd. I never looked down on anyone for their experience with it, but I always said that wasn't me. I'm usually the happy-go-lucky type. But as the last few weeks have come and gone, I've realized I see quite a few symptoms in me. I force myself to eat and drink nowadays since I have absolutely no appetite. So much sounds good, but the physical act makes me want to force myself to puke. Even breastfeeding makes me want to puke. Not cause I hate it or I don't find it lovely and a great way to bond, but like as soon as my baby boy latches… my body wants to reject it. Even if I am hydrated properly…

And I feel so lonely. My family is here. My husband is outstanding support for me. But I feel like I am so isolated at home with baby. My husband works overnight full time an hour away, so he is gone 10 hours a day for work. When he comes home, he lets me get an hour or 2 of sleep. But, he needs to sleep to be able to work. So, I feel like I don't get to talk with him and bond that long at all before he leaves again.

And my family is great, but they all make it seem like I should "bounce right back". Not verbally, but they want me to bring baby everywhere, do photoshoots, "Where's my baby picture?", "You never call anymore."... Not to mention give such unwanted and outdated advice that I feel like I am not seen as a good mom, making good choices. Like I'm naive or something just cause everyone's had 3-5 kids...And I feel like if I even think of doing something for myself, I should feel extremely guilty. Just browsing stuff on the internet, I see something that looks nice for me… but, I feel like I should buy baby something instead. Even if he has all needs…

And since he's going through a growth spurt, he is so fussy and constantly crying. He was all smiles since birth, but now he refuses to lay down whatsoever.. even in my arms. His feeding and sleep schedule is so out of it and I know that's normal. But, I still get so upset when I sit down and he immediately cries again. I usually let him and it doesn't bug me. But, this crying sounds do much like, where's my momma? And it hurts me so bad and makes me feel so guilty that I am struggling with myself. I want time for myself and to recover from delivering. But, I feel guilty if I even remotely put myself before my baby boy.  

I am not so far gone to where I won't take care of my baby nor harm either of us. I don't want to go to a doctor that will try to force meds on me. So, please don't tell me to do that.

I just want to know I am not alone.