Bad mum


I googled the meaning of a bad mum... just out of curiosity and some deep self doubt. Urban dictionary gave me an answer that left me thinking. I feel as a mums WE can be so out of control of making ourselves feel so bad for the smallest of things.

For example, something as simple as using a swing chair to comfort my baby, I didn’t have a birth plan and was “open minded” “didn’t care what kind of birth I had” aslong as he was born healthy, yet I felt guilty for being induced and having an epidural and angry my body couldn’t do it alone even though managed to push him out at 10lbs, almost ending in episiotomy or c-section (I was 2 weeks over my due date, UK NHS standard procedure). I didn’t have a feeding plan, so I bought breast pads for leakage and maternity bras incase I breastfed, a pump and bags incase I expressed, bottles and formula in case he wouldn’t latch, I prepared physically for all of the potential situations, however I didn’t prepare for the natural guilt my mind/body would put me through.

Regardless to my undecided plans to feed, I breast fed as I told my MW before I gave birth “I would try breastfeeding” even though all my friends were unsuccessful due to latching issues (so I assumed I would be to) the MW put my son on my boob after birth and he was a “sucker fish”, she let go and said there you go (my husband and I were stunned!) I exclusively breastfed for 4 days, but he was cluster feeding, wouldn’t sleep without being on the nipple. I had “Friends” on, on Netflix and I was timing my sons feeding on how far I got into an episode. I couldn’t cope, he was feeding every 20-30 mins, 4 days in of some questionable co-sleeping (also something I said I’d never do) aka exhaustion, 4 am I tucked into the bottles I had pre sterilised and the formula I had bought. A 42+1 pregnancy, 36 hour labour and 4 days of exhaustion from a cluster feeding 10lb baby now screaming in my ear. It took me a long time to read 4 steps on how to make a formula bottle...

I gave him the bottle, he slept for 4 hours. THE BEST FOUR HOURS EVER.

I woke up feeling SO guilty for giving him formula?! Which is so odd!! I’d

Always been “open minded” of feeding...I know fed is best, I was formula fed as a baby, I know formula is fine...why did my body make me feel guilty??

My son sleeps in my arms 80% of nap times at the during the day/night... every nighttime feed I hold him, cradle him, massage his belly to get rid of the wind that wakes him up all night long.... I expressed while combining breastfeeding and formula to keep my milk production high, I read my sons body language so I feed him before he cries, but sometimes he cries and I don’t realize it’s because he’s hungry, sometimes he won’t settle till he’s in his swing chair or his bouncer, and that’s that!

Why are our minds/bodies so cruel to ourselves... on top of all this, our bodies are still healing... it’s tough as hell becoming a mum. You’re not a bad mum. And believe it 🥰 🥰 🥰