When I was 14 I had my first love, which was a girl. We were together 2 years in an incredibly toxic and long distance relationship. She was extremely hot and cold, her parents LOATHED me even though I honest to god had never done anything to wrong or hurt them. Sometimes they’d call me and say they’d find me or call the police and I’d be thrown away like nothing because I deserve the worst. However I still stayed. I was so in love with this girl. So so in love with her. No matter what she did or put me through, I stayed loyal and never left. Sometimes she’d stop talking to me all together because her parents found out we were still together and would confiscate her phone. I’d reach out to everyone in the area, beg, plead, occasionally bribe people to get me in contact with her. She’d refuse, but whenever she came back she’d be in love with me again and tell me we were going to get married, which I truly believed and craved. I cannot explain to anyone how deep my love ran for her, how I wanted nothing but her, despite the constant pain and torture. She ended up being taken out of contact with me last summer, end of June. Over the course of July and August she proceeded to cheat with men over Omegle and her own cousin, sending nudes, flashing anyone, touching herself on camera, asking for threesomes and lying to grown men about her age( She claimed to be 16-18 when she was only 13). She ended up taking back her sexuality as a lesbian and changing it to bi, after breaking up with me officially in August after I had been launched into the deepest depression of my life and lost 20 pounds or so at 15, weighing almost 90 pounds. I was the one who found the evidence directly, after getting into her snap to once again plead to find her, instead I found messages from these men, pictures of her naked etc. it was heartbreaking. She couldn’t even breakup with me herself in August, she had her friend text me. After 2 years. 2 years of lies abuse and cheating. She even cheated while she “had her phone confiscated” and all the people came forward to me when we got back together. Throughout this time I have discovered almost every lie that she had hidden throughout our relationship. Besides the multiple cheating rounds, she kissed her ex boyfriend and gave lap dances to girls she wanted to convert. She had a crush on her now ex boyfriend throughout our relationship and he told me about it after they started dating two months after I received the text that she wanted to end things. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but in the text between her and her friend that were leaked to me, she said she couldn’t do it herself because the moment she “let me back into her life” she would fall in love with me again. Her reasoning was we had a toxic relationship which needed to end, but I knew I was never the cause. Her actions were catching up with her and I was being punished. She had never publicly or openly left me during any of these times. It’s been almost a year now since I last spoke to her. I miss/think about her almost everyday. I have such an intense feeling I can never help but think she was truly the one for me, despite all of those terrible things. She consumes me from time to time and my emotions have never recovered, my mentality will never be the same and it hurts. I don’t know what to do or what to think of this. I can’t have her back, but I can’t live with these emotions/thoughts. I need her, even after a year. But I can’t go through any of that again. Maybe in the future ? I don’t know. I need some advice, anything. Predictions, idc. This feels like a never ending hell, even though she’s gone.