Sexual Abuse/Lust

The best thing to do in any situation is to pray. I completely understand that. But, I need to let this out because I feel if I keep it to myself it’s going to just dismantle my relationship with God.

Yesterday, I was talking to God and I just couldn’t understand why sexual abuse had to be something that happened to me. Though, I don’t necessarily think I suffer from any trauma or flashbacks currently. I am aware that it has affected my relationship with men. This is not justification but then it also makes sex this aversive thing at times or I find myself wanting physical touch (not necessarily sex) although my mind would try to go there. I assume that if certain events didn’t take place, lust wouldn’t be such an issue. I don’t feel like this often, but the Bible says once you’ve looked at someone in a lustful way, you’ve committed adultery.

I’m just angry thinking about why the enemy has tried to use this way to break my spirit down. I’m not sexually active. I don’t like to think about sex. I’m not in a relationship. Then I have these worries about what happens when I do meet my husband. How will I function? How can I be intimate with him and feel that it will be okay? Because in the context of marriage it will be absolutely fine.

My thoughts are a bit over the place, but basically I assume my history of sexual abuse links to lust somehow someway. It’s difficult. I don’t really want to be angry and ask God why? That won’t help anything.