Antepartum Depression

Looking for a bit of insight from other mommas who may have experienced this before or currently are. I can’t say for sure this is what I’m going through but I definitely think it’s a possibility.

A little background info;

Last year in April I was told I couldn’t have children. It was a very heart breaking time for me. At 21 years old, I never thought that’s the news I would receive. During this part of my life I was in a domestic violence relationship and things were just falling apart. Well I finally broke myself free of it. Got out of the relationship and started to work on myself. I got comfortable with the idea I couldn’t have children. I began seeing a coworker. He knew my diagnosis and we had spoken about what he wanted as far as children. Hes 30, doesn’t want kids. We agreed on a very platonic relationship. I’d just gotten out of that relationship and I wanted to have fun without the commitment. On my 22nd birthday, I found out I was pregnant. Now to be clear, I was on birth control & still under the impression I wasn’t going to be able to have kids. So this was like a world wind of emotions. For me I knew that abortion was 100% out of the question. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d given up the possible one chance i have to be a mom. I sat the man I was seeing down and explained the situation. Knowing fully what I wanted and what he wanted, I told him I was keeping the baby & that he could either be apart of it or walk away. He decided he wanted no involvement and for me that was 100% okay.

Fast forward to now. I’m 26 weeks with an incredible baby girl & lord am I so thankful..

But I’m struggling. My heart is hurting that she not going to get both of her parents. It’s a very confusing time for me because he said he wants nothing to do with this baby but he checks up on me and asks about her. Though he refuses to tell his family or friends that she even exists. We are very open with each other but I’m starting to feel resentment in his choice. Which I shouldn’t because I’m the one who told him it was okay. Part of me is like, this shits unfair. For our daughter because he’s going to miss out of this most incredible human on the planet. But the other parent of me is like, you’re an incredible human and as a person that grew up without her father, you can teach your baby girl the same strength.

I never thought that I would find myself in any kind of depression but I’m starting to wonder if I am. Or maybe it’s just hormones. I hide all of this from my incredibly supportive family. I wait until I’m alone to cry it out. Most days I just want to be alone. I just wish my life was different that I was experiencing this time with someone who loved me and was just as excited to have this baby as I am.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to get it out of my system.