I just need a place to get this off my chest and try to clear my head... I apologize ahead of time that this will probably be all over the place but I just need to give background info to help explain how I’m feeling now.

I’ll be 24 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I’m really really struggling.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for several years. I’ve been on a low dosage of medication for most of the last 4 years or so.

April 2018 my husband was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It’s been a very hard road. Leading up to his diagnosis and since being diagnosed. It’s just been hard. He was missing A LOT of work, he left his job, bounced around a few places before finding his current job in Sept. 2018. He can’t miss a lot of work now being new or he will lose his job. But it’s still a constant struggle most days for him to get out of bed and get to work. We tried him staying home with our LO and me working but he wasn’t able to do that either. It’s put a lot of stress on the both of us. I’ve worked really hard to be supportive and understanding. He is frustrated because he’s been in treatment for over a year and feels he hasn’t improved. (Which he has, but not enough to feel normal, he says)

Anyhow without going to far off the path- I am really struggling. I’ve been struggling for a long time but I’ve just been pushing it back because I wanted to be able to support my husband and not add to the problems. But I’m just feeling so low and hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it because when I try to he just gets depressed and then I feel bad and end up apologizing and trying to make him feel better.

I just feel like I don’t have an identity. I’m not happy with any aspect of my life. I’ve struggled with my weight for many years and I hate my body. I’ve had hip and back problems since I was a teenager (I weighed way less then and was semi active) and it’s a vicious cycle between my body hurting to bad to be active but not being active causes weight gain and stiffness which in turn just adds more body pain. And repeat. I hate myself. I just want to have a normal body and feel normal and be able to do things without being in pain.

Outside of family, we have NO friends. I don’t talk to a single person who isn’t my family. We don’t have people to hang out with or talk to or anything. I don’t even know how to go about finding friends, were both introverts so it’s hard for us to feel comfortable in new places/with new people.

We have no hobbies. Occasionally we will play a video game together or if we’re able to see family we will play a board game. Other than that we typically spend our time together either eating out or watching tv.

We don’t really trust anyone with our LO, so it’s hard to have alone time or do a date night or an activity that’s kid free.

We struggle with money and budgeting. My husband makes good money but we have a hard time budgeting it.

This last week has been particularly hard for me in terms of depression and anxiety. I can’t find the motivation to do anything. Staying home with our LO has become so hard. Some days I find myself crying over the thought of having to get up and provide for her. (Make food, play, etc) then I feel worse about myself because I know she deserves better. She deserves a happy mom. My daughter never goes without, I always find a way to get through what she needs. But it’s not easy.

I just feel like I have nobody and I am nobody. I’m just a mom and wife. I have no other identifying factors. I feel like things aren’t going to ever change. We as a family will be stuck in this same hopeless place forever. This same cycle of not having friends, hobbies, or money. Of spending everyday alone (while my husband is at work) with my daughter and soon to be baby.

I’m short fused. I get to the point where I can’t take it and I’m either yelling at my LO or the dog or I’m sobbing. I don’t want to be this person. I feel like a terrible mother. I feel worthless as a human. I can’t bring myself to keep up with housework even though I can see it needs to be done.

I can tell myself ways to make things better: get out there find friends, find a hobby, etc etc. but I can’t bring myself to actually do it. My anxiety over social situations impairs my ability to do so. I try to budget every pay check and we never stay within budget because the ONLY thing we “have” that we enjoy doing is eating out. It’s our only unnecessary expense. We don’t spend money on ourselves in any other form.

I don’t even know if this makes sense or if I’ve even gotten to any point. I just feel hopeless.

I do plan on talking to my OB about upping my meds but I’m not sure that’s the answer. How much is it really going to help. Ugh. If you made it through this, thank you.