Honey,

I’m exhausted. It doesn’t seem to matter if I get an hour or two. I really need a full nights sleep

And so do you.

I’m struggling. This newborn with all of his issues. He gagged and gasped last night so badly, I held him and cried. We can’t put him down. I’m so afraid he will choke and die. I’m

So sick of colic, acid reflux the meds don’t seem to fix, evaluating poop, and an underdeveloped digestive system. Plus the two older ones who need me and need things to do because it’s summer. The two year old that’s teething, has massive allergies, and is moody and testing every boundary.

I’m disappointed. Another summer. Another canceled vacation. Not enough money. Can’t get away from the job. I was really looking forward to a couple of days. I bought a bathing suit! I haven’t done that since before the kids. Now a month postpartum, hating my body, I just did it. Because I really wanted to swim with my kids. But we aren’t going. Or I can go alone. Alone with three kids. Without you. And honestly, I was hoping the doctor would say we can have sex. Sex! Remember sex? We had that half a year ago. Before the sickness and difficul pregnancy and delivery. I miss you.

I’ve been bleeding for 5 weeks. It’s miserable. Then, 4 days ago it stopped. And today, I started my period. I’m ready to scream even though the cycle is right on time with my new birth control. I’m just not ready to bleed another week.

So here I am. I put signs on the doors DO NOT RING THE BELL because the delivery guys always wake the kids at nap. All three are asleep. But I’m terrified to move our colicky newborn. So I’m laying on our old, hand me down, granny looking couch listening for his breathing. I wish I was in our bed.

And I’m crying. I’m tired. So tired. I’m scared. I’m tired of worrying and feeling like a failure and not having clothes to fit. My back hurts from

Sleeping upright holding him because as soon as I lay him down he gags and coughs and acts like he’s struggling to breathe.

I wish you didn’t have to go to work. I know that’s stupid. It pays the every growing bills. But I wish you could sit on this couch with me. I wish we didn’t have to talk. I just want to be held while I cry. I’m trying really hard to keep it together in front of the kids. I’m trying not to snap because I’m tired. I’m trying not to be mean. But I’ve been cramping and nauseous from the pms. I’m exhausted from the no sleep and worry about our baby. And I don’t have any pants that fit but maternity. And all I do is sit with this child. I’ve actually gained 2 pounds since giving birth instead of losing the weight because I have to sit and hold him.

I feel stuck. Months of bedrest and sickness and now confined to the house with a newborn that never lays flat or won’t let me sleep. I never get to leave or go or take the kids anywhere fun.

And the solution if he will most likely grow out of this by 6 months. That’s like Christmas.

And for the record, no there are no mommy groups. I live in place normal families are fleeing. And work and live in a rough inner city dealing with kids of drug addicts. It’s why my husband is so tired. We work with special need, low income, and inner city kids and teens...most of whom are struggling. No churches have mommy groups. I’m the youngest woman in our church. I’m the only mom of littles. And it isn’t like our youth are able to help or babysit. We are just trying to keep them from falling through the cracks of a broken system. My family is hours away. I tried to hire a girl to help me. Just to play with the older two so they wouldn’t be completely trapped inside with me and the baby. It’s looking more and more like I can’t pay her anyways. And it never seems to work out for her to come.

I just needed a minute.