Emotional Strain and Catholic Guilt

Buckle up, long(ish) post ahead.

A few years ago, I was a member of the LDS church and had not attended for almost a decade. Sexually active, multiple partners, and on the pill. I was reveling in my post-high school freedom and my early twenties. I started becoming violently sick anytime I ate, regardless of what type of food. Spent months going to doctors and having tests done. In the meantime, I ran out of birth control and didn’t want to see yet another doctor to refill the prescription. About 3 days after finishing my last month of pills, I was able to stomach food again.

Fast forward to November/December 2015, still enjoying life, just throwing even more caution to the wind and having unprotected sex. The guy I was having a fling with left the military and moved back to his home state, and I started a real relationship with someone I’d grown close to. Less than a month into our relationship (we hadn’t been intimate yet), I had a single day of light spotting, and didn’t think anything of it. Right after Christmas, I realized I was 2 weeks late and had a positive hpt. The next day, a second test showed negative. Followed later that night by extreme cramps, heavy bleeding, and an excess of large clots. I will never know for sure if this was a pregnancy and miscarriage, but my heart and soul sure felt like it was. My boyfriend helped me through all of it, even knowing it wouldn’t have been his baby.

We are still together 3.5 years, going on 4, later. We have been living together for almost a year, I never tried another method of birth control, and we do have sex pretty regularly (withdrawal method).

Now... I went through RCIA and was baptized and confirmed Catholic in 2017. And I understand the Church’s stance and laws about everything I do wrong. But having pre-marital sex and my boyfriend using the withdrawal method always felt like a “minor” sin to me as we have both always been okay with the possibility of conceiving.

Still with me? Cool, we’re almost to the point!

Mid-June, I saw a dermatologist for my acne. He gave me two options: the pill. Or Spironolactone. Given my history and my religious position, I opted spironolactone. Last week I had my annual wellness exam and my OBGYN panicked when I mentioned Spiro and pull-out in the same appointment. Apparently, spironolactone is a Class C medication and can cause serious birth defects (to the extent of a recommended abortion) if an unintended pregnancy occurred. She discussed my options, I went home, cried, and talked to my boyfriend about everything.

We both agreed that we can work through the emotional turmoil of birth control, but not the turmoil that being faced with an abortion would bring. I had the implant inserted on Monday, and still have so much guilt inside the pit of my stomach, but I know that it is what’s best for our relationship in this situation.

I just needed to get everything off of my chest and out in the world somewhere!! If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read!