I’m so tired. I hurt all over. Our newborn is sick. We go to the doctor constantly for checkups and monitoring. We have to hold him up. Propping him, swings, laying him down aren’t an option. He has an issue. And he gets gagged and struggles to breathe. I’m so afraid we will lay him down and be so exhausted we don’t hear him suffocating.

Our doctor recommended holding him.

So we do.

24/7

With a toddler and 5 year old running around.

I don’t sleep. Or my husband doesn’t sleep. He has to work. I’m on fumes. 5 solid weeks of this. Plus doctors visits and stress and worry and my own recovery from a caesarean.

My furniture is old hand me down furniture. It’s not great. The one recliner hurts my back so badly after an hour or two. Much less day and days and night after night. My shoulders hurt so bad last night I cried.

I cried because I’m bleeding. And I have a headache. I’m not a caffeine drinker. Never have been but I’ve picked up drinking caffeinated drinks some to survive. And I hate it.

I just want to crawl in my bed for like 24

Hours.

My parents have been driving almost 3 hours one way to help as often as they can. I don’t have anyone else. I’d be better off if it didn’t hurt me so badly to sit up in any chair with him. The pain gets to me coupled with the exhaustion and the bleeding heavy and I’m drowning in my own hormones.

I have no patience for my other kids who are miserable because sickly newborn little brother means we don’t go anywhere. We don’t do anything. And we don’t play outside. I’m so tired of this damn chair and hurting and being so exhausted. But laying him down is not worth the risk of losing my baby. I’d rather lose all

The sleep than lose him.

But three kids I’ve never had one I couldn’t put down. And honestly my other kids are driving me crazy. Badgering. Begging. Constantly talking or fighting. They sleep all night and wake up before God ready for a summer day. And we’ve had no sleep. Their daddy needs to go to work. He’s running on fumes.

I’ve never been a good person on no sleep. I get snippy and mean. And honestly I hate it but my reaction to any emotion is to cry. Happy? Cry. Sad? Cry. Exhausted? Cry.

I literally just told my 5 year old to shut up. He’s driving me nuts. He has one speed fast. One volume LOUD. And one attitude these days. obnoxious. His daddy just growled at him because he’s up and running and demanding and woke the two year old up.

We can’t trust anyone else with our kids. We don’t. Period. Family is far. And I’m not risking the baby letting someone else care for him. If something happened. I’d never forgive them or myself.

I just want to stop bleeding and sleep. Even my worst sleeping kid let us put him in the baby bed and catch an hour or two in our room.

This sleeping in the shitty recliner and sitting day after day and night after night with no end date is taking its toll.

I can’t wait for school to start. At least one will be gone and entertained. And I’m not that mom. I usually love having them home with me.