Leaving him for good. Guilt eating me alive.

Try to keep this as short as possible.

Basically I’m a piece of shit mom.

I have been with an abusive man on and off for almost 7 years. It’s sickening I know. I have left 6 different times and got my own place every time but Somehow he always went to therapy and convinced me that he had changed. Even is family would beg me to take him back because they hated seeing him that way. So each time I would get rid of my place and put my trust in him like an idiot. I have a son. It’s not his son thank god. And he’s 7. I recently figured out that my abuser is a narcissist. He’s very charming to others. Has a great job and a nice house. But behind closed doors is a different person. He has never “hit” me but has choked pushed and other stuff. Calls me every name there is. and has tore me down in every way possible. I have tried to keep this hidden from my son as much as possible but I would be lying if I said he has never witnessed anything. I have daily talks with my son about how his step dad has issues and can not express anger in a healthy way. And it is never okay to act that way no matter how mad someone is . And I try my best to teach him how to handle anger himself in a healthy way. I know that even with these daily talks I have probably fucked up my son completely from being in this situation his whole life. I hate myself. My son is the sweetest boy ever. He’s very caring and compassionate. And is sooo appreciative. He will say things like “ mommy thank you so much for letting me get a toy I know it was a lot of money , you are the best mom ever “. He Always thanks me for everything, just super polite. His step dad has never hurt him physically but has def. not been the nicest to him. I know that this man is the result of mine and my sons anxiety.

After doing research my eyes are open. I’m preparing to leave. I’m getting finances in order. And quietly preparing to get out. I plan to file for divorce in a few weeks. However the guilt is eating me alive. I have never felt such unbearable shame than I do about allowing this to go on. My son is the sweetest boy and didn’t deserve to ever be around this. I have the worst thoughts about ending it all but would never actually harm myself because of my son.

I’m so incredibly numb. I feel like I can barely keep going. I have panic attacks daily. And my heart just breaks when I look at my sons little face. What can I do to pull myself together enough so I can just get out of this mess?

I feel like my body is here but I’m not really here. This depression has taking over me. :(