I’m really hoping I don’t get a bunch of negativity. i just needed to get it out of my system.

We had one night. One night where my mom was holding our sickly newborn through the night. Finally one night where we going be Intimate after the whole pregnancy and postpartum with NOTHING. Like zero sex for months and months. I couldn’t have it. I was so ill...I was contagious for a month. He couldn’t even be in the room with me without a mask. The baby was at risk. There was bedrest. There was a csection. There was recovery. There was the fear of a newborn that isn’t well. There was hospitals. And doctors. And exhausted like I’ve never known.

So it was one night with help. The 4th. My parents in the house.

I showered. I shaved. I put on his favorite scent. I had my hair down. And put on some lingerie that truthfully didn’t fit quite the same postpartum. But I was trying.

It’s been months. And of the two of us. I have the higher sex drive.

And I went to get on the bed to try to be laying there a bit sexy and SNAP.

We’d had this problem before. The slat on the bed snap or mess up. And have to be fixed. We know we need to replace the bed-frame. We got it before our first baby. We’ve had three kids and two cross country moves. But having the bed bust when you’re postpartum didn’t help me feel sexy. It made me want to get on a treadmill.

I had to get up. Get dressed because my daddy and momma were in the house . And go out to tell My husband to come to the bedroom...not for the sex we hadn’t had in half a year. But because another slat on the bed needed to be fixed.

He ended up having to run down to the office about a mile away to get what he needed to fix it. By the time it was done, it was late. I was tired. Mad. Upset. Fighting tears. Embarrassed. And no interested. I wasn’t all sexy or even close. More like tired. And needed a few hours of sleep before my parents leave.

He still wanted it. Tried to engage me. But I didn’t feel pretty. My mind wasn’t in it.

We tried. But I never got there. I fought tears through it. I knew it wasn’t gonna be super comfortable. And he tried every kinda trick that used to make me orgasm. I mean it had been months and a baby. I felt I was under so much pressure to have it that night because we had hell and when everything fell apart I couldn’t get there. Which made me feel worse.

9 years of marriage...I felt desperate for that reconnecting after a really long pregnancy and recovery. And honestly, it sucked. The best part was when he actually went in. I enjoyed it. And so did he. But the foreplay didn’t cut it.

It kept me up last night. God, am I broken? I felt like a virgin. I just wanted to be done. I didn’t enjoy much of anything. I told him we have to figure out how to do it more. Get back into rhythm. But the truth is with a sick baby...someone has to monitor him 24/7. I know deep down it will probably be weeks before we get another shot. Our sick son comes first because we can’t just leave him sleeping without us there or holding him.

Once the baby is better whenever that is, I fully intend to try to reclaim my sex life. But I really wanted last night. I would probably hurt him to know how I’ve cried in private. How I’m crying now. He tried. He’d have done it any way I wanted. And I love him for it. But I just didn’t enjoy it. Everything felt raw and uncomfortable and I couldn’t relax anymore. I wanted to be in something to help cover my postpartum belly and feel more enticing than my crappy pjs. He didn’t care. It was more for me.

It was too much pressure for one night. Having gone so long with nothing. I know that. And I’m pissed the bed messed up. I’m struggling to get passed it all. I’ve missed him. He’s been taking care of me sick or postpartum after surgery for months. We’ve been round the clock holding our sick child. I was ready to feel like his wife and not a patient or invalid he had to care for.

Maybe I’m still hormonal after birth. But literally, I’m so upset about the whole situation. And I don’t even feel like I can tell him it sucked for me. It would hurt him. And I don’t want to hurt him. It wasn’t his fault. It was me.

Update: Thanks for the concern for our newborn. His digestive system was not developed well at birth. He threw up all the time. It scared even the nurses in the hospital after I delivered. Our pediatrician came to the hospital twice a day. The constant vomiting and reflux was hindering his breathing. He would thrash like he was suffocating at night. It was terrifying. Our pediatrician calls us weekly. We’ve seen doctors constantly. The safest way for him to sleep is upright on us so if he suddenly struggles or gets choked, we can help him. The doctors recommended us sleeping with him upright on us. So we are taking rotations around the clock. It’s exhausting. But it beats risking him suffocating where I can’t hear or wake up enough to help him in his bassinet.