I wanted a baby so bad and when I got pregnant I was ecstatic. Although I was excited, I never felt like I could really connect the whole pregnancy. I didn’t think much of it because I figured when I gave birth that would change pretty quickly. I was wrong. My daughter is almost 3 weeks old and I’m still having trouble. I love her and think she’s perfect but I feel like my maternal instincts are lacking. I don’t freak out when she cries, I’m just annoyed. I’m tired of bleeding. My body was never something I admired so it’s not that. I just want to be able to not wear a pad. I hate breastfeeding. I know it’s good for her but I just feel like a milk machine that never gets a break. It doesn’t help that I feel pressured to continue by my husband. He makes me feel bad if I give her formula though I don’t think he does it intentionally. I’m tired of constantly leaking but not getting hardly anything when I pump or needing to feed her in both sides and her still not being satisfied. I’m over the lack of sleep. I don’t handle it well when I wake up every few hours. She’s not a bad baby by the way. She’s fine if she gets fed and changed right away most of the time. I just don’t think I was meant to be a mother. I just don’t feel like I’m a good one. I feel like she deserves better.

I realize this maybe be normal and signs of ppd but I don’t want to go there. Please just don’t. I just needed to vent for a minute.