It's been 7 months and I'm still upset about my baby's birth. Im trying to accept it because that's all I can do, but at night my mind wanders with all the what-ifs and what I should have done differently and I usually end up tears thinking about it.

From around 30 weeks my baby was measuring bigger so the doctors were already mentioning a C-section, but I expressed I wanted to try vaginally first. Baby kept on measuring bigger, so they continued to make me feel guilty for not scheduling a csection, telling me I would be risking my baby's life. Even though she was measuring way ahead they refused to induce. My water ended up breaking at just over 40 weeks giving me only had 24 hours to deliver.

I was given pitocin hours later after I was admitted and an epidural upon request. It fell out when I shifted but they refused to redo it because "it couldn't possibly be the epidural failing." I was told there was nothing to do for pain. I finally consented to a C-section with after laboring for 20 hours because I was in so much pain that I couldn't think clearly anymore. I ended up getting another epidural and ultimately a spinal block thing.

I just feel like the doctors had made up their mind weeks prior and everyone was pushing the C-section so much that I wasn't given a fair chance. I know I should "be glad baby is here," but I can't help but think we would have been fine without the surgery.

I really don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know there are so many situations that happen to moms everyday far worse than mine. I was hoping maybe I would gain some kind of closure by posting this. My scar still hurts, I hate how my stomach looks and it reminds me everyday how unhappy I am with my experience. I really do want to move on and just enjoy motherhood.