Is she lost or gone.

I lost her a few years ago. Since then I have tried very hard to get her back, but after finding out I had Herpes, I feel like I completely lost her. I blame myself for not fighting for her, for not stepping up for her, for not defending her happiness. In my defense I felt like I had no where to go, so even with all the signs and there were so many signs to run away, I still tried to make it work. My mom was far away and my dad lives with my sister and her husband and a full house. I saw her disappear. I saw the light slowly dimming through the years. Her smile turn in to an act. I felt her fight through her toughest days. She’s never felt depression but she knew when the world looked dim and all she wanted was to snap out of it. She is such a fighter but she has become weak. The world has never felt so alone. Her little boy is her only motivation and for him she pushes herself a little harder each day. She wonders while looking at her old pictures if she will ever see a glimpse of the girl she once was. Just maybe a smile or even the tiniest sparkle in her eye. Anything before he happened 7 years ago. He played so many games and he played them right. Every girl, every picture, every gut feeling, every broken item, every scream, every little anger issue, insecurities, every I’m sorry and I love you. I was gullible. I wanted to work things out like back in the day where you would just had to figure things out. If only she had been stronger from the beginning. If she had walked away from the appearance of happiness. From the best sex she’s had in her life. Learned that she had it all even if she was alone because she just needed herself. Maybe she wouldn’t be positive for Herpes. Maybe she would’ve found real strength in being alone.