Borderline personality

I was diagnosed with BPD 11 yrs ago. Growing up I was really emotional and angry and had intense mood swings. That has gotten better and I can recognize my mood swings and the triggers. Now my problem is I am so unsure about what direction I want my life to go in. I have been in a relationship for 6 years (we love each other but it has been off and on because relationships are hard with BPD) and most of the time I am so happy and in love and want to start a family with him. But sometimes this other part of my surfaces that wants to run away as far as possible as in literally becoming an aupair in another country or moving across the U.S. My mind is at war with itself when these feelings surface and it puts a huge strain on my relationship because I want to end it, I start becoming attracted to other men, I want to just do whatever I want. I have been to therapy but it is very expensive. Does anyone else suffer from borderline personality disorder? Do you ever feel like this? Is this ever going to pass or am I going to want to end my relationship every few months and run away. These conflicting feelings are STRONG and I just want to be happy one way or another.