I can’t get that night out of my brain. I’m currently 17, but I was 16 when it happened. I was dating this guy for two years. Throughout the relationship he was always forcing himself on me. He would say things like, “You are my girlfriend, you are supposed to do this for me” or “You owe me for all I do for you”. At first it was only him fingering me or him making me give him a hand job. Then it progressed to him threatening to cheat or flirt with other girls if I didn’t have sex with him. We were together so long, that I was scared to be without him. I though no one else would love me, so I hesitantly said yes. Then when he got inside me I said “no stop” many times and he didn’t stop. After, I was so scared we were sitting on my couch and I was shaking and he kept saying “Didn’t you like that?” And I wouldn’t answer. I told him he should go home because it’s late. I can’t get that night out of my mind. I lost my virginity when I didn’t want to. I feel like he robbed me of something. I finally broke up with him. It was so hard because not only did he force me to get sexual, but he was always very emotionally abusive. He would threaten to break up with me if I didn’t stop talking to friends. He told me I wasted my time on my career. He made me feel trapped in my own life. I have recently gotten a new boyfriend. He is extremely considerate and kind. He never does anything that I don’t extensively consent to. (He asks if he can kiss me before he does and before we get sexual he asks many time if I’m okay with what he is doing or if I want to etc). But I feel awful. Sometimes I freeze up because I flash back to that night or I think about something my ex said. I can tell that when I freeze up my new boyfriend doesn’t know how to help. He looks so hurt and he tells me when I get that way he feels helpless. I told him about what happened with my ex, but I know he hates that it still haunts me. I just want to forget about it. Because I see him everywhere (I live in a small town). And every time I see my ex it feels like I can’t breathe. Like I’m back in that night all over again. How can I forget this?

*to the people saying private message me: I can’t. I want to talk, and I want to feel better. But it literally took so much to just admit that I was assaulted and I don’t think I’ve even fully accepted it. I’m sorry.