I Wish My Husband Would Die

I know... I know... Never ever once in my entire life did I think I'd wish something so terrible on anyone! Let alone my own husband! I really didn't think I could ever be this kind of person. But here I am. I hate him. HATE him. I want a divorce but that would mean I'd have to leave my kids with the asshole on the weekends or something and NOT OVER MY DEAD BODY. Not my babies. I know you won't belive it... But I hide the hatered VERY well. I rarely ever argue with my husband because... Well I usually don't give a shit what he's doing. I tell the kids regularly how much I love daddy and how much daddy loves them. They see my husband and I cuddle and kiss. I know I can't hide all of it. I'm sure the kids notice suttle cracks here and there... And I know that's not good for them... But if my husband had my babies without me around.... I just can't imagine. I can't imagine what rotten things they'd deal with if I wasn't there to buffer. No beatings or neglect... But daddy has NO patience with our 2 toddlers. He wouldn't run for them with every tear. He wouldn't rock them ALL NIGHT LONG when they don't feel good. He wouldn't make sure he put the kids above himself, ALWAYS. But since we're not divorced and I'm with the kids 100% of the time... Daddy just gets play with the kids when he wants and leaves everything else to me. Which is the way I want it, because my husband can't be the dad I want him to be. And because I'm here, when I see daddy getting frustrated I've learned to just step in and take over so the kids don't have to deal with an angry dad. I've done my research... Children are most affected by divorce between the ages of 2 and 6, mostly because they have trouble understanding everything that's going on. Once my kids are in their teens... I'm out!!! But until then, I've decided to carry on as long as I can keep up the happy facade. If I notice myself slipping... I'll reevaluate. Until then, this is the decision I've made. My husband is a LIAR. He'll lie about everything and anything. Even stupid shit that wouldn't matter to anyone. He's never physically cheated but he's definitely thought about it. I'm Susie homemaker and keep my house very clean, take care of the kids 100% on my own, have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, hot and ready, take my son to his karate class, and do EVERYTHING for my husband, short of wiping his ass. Why? To keep my husband happy. So he doesn't ruin everyone's day by stomping and pouting around the house. Happy husband = happy kids. Because mom is happy too. And I really am. My kids bring me SO MUCH FREAKING JOY. I don't think about my husband much. Most of the day you can find me cleaning and dancing with my kids to all of the songs from Trolls. We have a good time. And my babies are sooooo kind. Smart, cognitively advanced (says their pedi), healthy, beautiful, loving, and happy. I want to keep it that way. But after everyones asleep... I'm the only one up at night... I won't, but I just want to cry. I HATE MY HUSBAND. I get angry with myself for even thinking such awful things about the father of my children. But I have never met anyone more self absorbed than my husband. I swear to you he thinks about himself and only himself. He's 35 and has the maturity of a 21 year old. (Sorry 21ers but I'm generalizing. I'm sure you're mature. My husband's not. ) Someone please say something kind! I know I deserve to have death wished on me for doing the same! But I really just need some kindness. Even my parents care more for my husband than they do me. Because I only speak positive about him to them. So of course they think he's wonderful. They have no idea what a scum bag, lying, angry, hateful, head up ass, pos, he really is. My husband claims he's "changed", and maybe he has! But I just can't get over all of the AWFUL things he's put me thru for almost 10 years. He hasn't changed... He's just gotten better at hiding it. But it still shows occasionally. Help me. Please. I just need to ease my mind a bit so i can sleep. Please be kind. I'm beating myseld up for you, I promise. For sake of argument, let's just assume everything I've said is true. That will be easier than changing my mind.

Edit: yes, I do lie. Everyone does. But I think it's something different, to be a liar. Maybe I'm wrong. My husband is also very aware of how I feel about him and our marriage. I've begged for some kind of counseling, but my husband refuses. I've made many attempts to bring him around. Gentle reminders to be patient, guiding him when dealing with the kids. We've been together 13 years and have had MANY conversations about our pasts and how it has affected us. I'm sure there's more I could be doing to help the situation... But I'm kinda over it! I don't care anymore! I've put sooooo much work into this situation, I'm tired! I can't carry anymore work on my shoulders. Everyone has a point at which the load gets to heavy, and you can't pile anymore on. I'm there. If he needs me to do more somewhere in this relationship, then I need someone to help carry SOMETHING. I'm really trying to be perfect every day. It's exhausting, and I'm just simply not perfect. I never will be. And when I've told my husband I'm considering divorce, he giggles and pats my head... Literally. "You're just mad. You'll get over it or get used to it" is his favorite response to me. And I'm also tired of hearing that. Keep coming with the advice! Y'all are helping! THANK YOU!