My chemical pregnancy experience

we have been trying for over a year and half with no luck. I have no children except a step son. So I have never experienced the feeling of seeing those two pink lines.... honestly I got to a point where I really believed I never would.

July 20th 2019 I woke up and took an hcg test just because.... I’m so use to it being negative that I dipped the strip, dumped the pee, placed the strip on the counter and was playing with my hair and picking at my face. I peaked down and I had one of those moments where you look and look again because there’s no way your seeing what you thought you might have seen.

I picked that strip up so fast and blinked and wiped my eyes, tilted it towards the light, blinked again and went into a little shock that I was seeing a faint line. I screamed for my husband and we both just examined it over and over like it was a creature out of a fairy tail we have been reading for ages. 6 test laters and a digital it all said I was pregnant.

It took me days to come out of this shock I was ok because I spent so much time thinking it wasn’t in my cards. So I admit I was disconnected from the experience and that’s the worst part. A few days later I had a feeling to take another test and it shows my lines were much fainter and a digital said not pregnant. I sat on the toilet and stared at that test wondering, praying, and thinking “Why Me” I asked god over and over why he would give me something Iv prayed over and over about just to take it away and not only that, take it away just as I was getting really excited and coming to terms with finally being a mommy.

5 weeks and 3 days the bleeding started and that was the moment all my hopes and dreams crumbled.

I hear our early miscarriages before 6 weeks really aren’t pregnancies. But you know what it really is a loss, it’s a loss of my new future, it’s a loss of day dreams I had of my blessing after finding out I was pregnant, it’s loss of that smile you saved for that special moment, it’s a loss of a little piece of your heart...

I took a few days of me time to be sad, and come to terms with being pregnant and then not being pregnant, I spent hours searching for a bright side or the silver lining and i found that I am so appreciative to have gotten that glimpse of happiness even if it was short. I got to experience that smile Iv been saving, I got to experience saying “I’m pregnant” I got to experience day dreaming about the future.

It’s sad and painful but it makes you appreciate the little things so much more. So ladies, cry... cry for days if you need to, eat ice cream or brownies, take some me time, honor that little soul that couldn’t be so that way when that little soul that will be gets all your smiles.

Chemical or not a loss is a loss.