What is postpartum depression ? Is it an excuse ? Is it a made up diagnosis ? How do people know if it’s a real thing?

Why do I feel this way. I am aware I’m not my normal self and haven’t felt like this before.

To not want to get up

To not want to move

To not want to do the simplest things

Nothing is fun

My happiness is not there

My brain is foggy and constantly fighting depression and anxiety.

What if I can’t take it anymore?

What if I know what I’m going through is really not that bad but I still can’t cope ?

To constantly have to be selfless. With a schedule that goes something like:

Wake up, change diapers, change clothes, feed them breakfast, feed the baby a bottle, feed the baby baby food, get constantly asked for milk water or juice and a snack, feed them lunch change their diapers, make sure one poops in the potty and washes his hands and doesn’t spin all the toilet paper on the floor, entertain them, bring them to the swings, play basketball, ride bikes, read them books, give them hugs and kisses, feed another bottle, another oatmeal, give them lunch, change their diapers, make them dinner, give another bottle, give another baby food, clean up after their mess, brush their teeth, give them baths, change their clothes, make sure they don’t get into anything they aren’t supposed to, put them to bed...all while cooking food, cleaning up, doing dishes, doing laundry, tending to my two cats who need food and kitty litter changed. Also while tackling adult stressors such as why my auto insurance randomly got cancelled, trying to fathom the thought of starting my own business, being put 2k in debt due to a military mistake. Trying to wrap my head around everything. While doing this all alone.

When do I have time to brush my teeth, shower, do my hair, eat in peace? Where the only time I get to leave my house is to go grocery shopping, go to the DMV to get my car registered, or bring my child to a doctors appointment.

Oh but this is what being a mother is and this is what I asked for. I need to get over it and do what I gotta do for my babies.

When I am open about my struggles I get judged, criticized, and shamed. Im not allowed to be overwhelmed and stressed and weak. It’s true you can’t fully understand something until it happens to you.

Giving from a glass that’s empty makes me feel defeated.

I’m lost. I’m not myself. I just want to get better. For me and for my kids.