Yesterday, the 11th, our baby would have been 5 months old and come the 14th he will have been gone 2 months. Our baby was 3 months 3 days old when he passed. He hadn't been sick, no birth defects of any kind, no complications during the pregnancy or labor. We are still waiting to hear what was decided to be the cause. My husband and his crew were getting everything in order to be back working around home, during most of my pregnancy and after our son was born they had been out of town and only home Thursday-Sunday. But that week he had been home every night except Tuesday. I had just started back doing some work on Monday and Friday. That Thursday night seemed like every other night. Our son had fallen asleep earlier that night on my husband's chest, I went and put my step son to bed after a while the baby woke up to eat. I fed him, talked with him, played with him, and after a while he was getting sleepy again, so were my husband and I, it was almost 1 in the morning. My husband had to get up early for work that Friday, which they normally didn't work Fridays but they had to move equiptment, I had to get up feed our son, get myself ready for work, get my step son up so he could get ready, and finish getting the baby ready. I was going to be dropping the boys off with my moma. We went to our room and started to lay down, with our baby in between us like always, I had quick thought that I should stay up with the baby, but then I looked at him and seen he was already getting in his comfy position with sleepy little eyes. I said to myself I don't need to stay up, he's tired, my husband is tired, and I'm tired, we're both right here if something happens. Around 4:30 my husband woke up and went to slide our baby back over to the middle of the bed, he liked snuggling up to me and I would always move away just a little each time just so his face wouldn't be pressed against me, I was on the edge of the bed. I woke up hearing my husband say "come here buddy" as he went to slide him over. I realized he didn't squirm or scrunch up, I thought he's sleeping good. I went to check to change his diaper, and that's when I realized our baby wasn't breathing. I yelled for my husband to call 911, I was trying to start CPR, the dispatcher walked us through it, my husband called for his mom who lived next door to come over. It seemed like it took the ambulance forever to get there. The lady came in and scooped our baby up and ran back out the door, I went right behind her and was informed I couldn't ride with my baby. I ran back inside and grabbed the diaper bag I had waiting and ready on the couch and raced back out to get in the truck with my husband. Another ambulance met them on the way, we didn't understand what for. When we got to the hospital we were put in a room off to the side, asked questions, and was told repetitively "they're still working on your baby". My husband had me call my parents. After a while they came and said "they're still working on him, but they said y'all can come back now if you want". We thought maybe everything is going to be ok. We walked in and they were still doing CPR. The doctor started telling us what all had been give to him and how long he had been receiving CPR from them, the rescue workers, along with us at the house. It was in those moments I realized they were about to stop working on our baby. They stopped and our world came crashing down. Our beautiful, perfect little baby boy was gone. We sat with him for the longest time, all I could think was I must be having a nightmare, I need to wake up. I wasn't asleep, but it was a nightmare, a nightmare that I wake up to every mornign. We then had to go face our parents, my mother-in-law had come to the hospital with my stepson, still don't know if he woke up or she woke him up. We had to tell him that his little brother was gone, the little brother he was so excited about, that he asked to feed every evening when I would have to start supper, that he helped block the sun from shining in his eyes when it would come through the front window and shine into the mirror, the little brother that he was just as excited to see do something new as me and his daddy were. My stepson lives with his daddy and I, my husband has primary custody, today is his first day back to school and he's worried some of the kids from his class last year will ask about what happened to his baby brother and he doesn't know what to say. I told him you just say he's with Jesus and that's all that matters.

My husband and I only go into our room to get clothes or passing through to go to the bathroom, we neither one want to lay down in our bed, we don't even like being in our room, when we look in the one spot in our room all we can see is where we layed our baby down to start CPR. We sleep on our couch, it's a sectional, so we lay down with our heads at the point where it curves. I can't seem to find the will to go through his thing or even move his bouncer or car seat out of the living room. Every day waking up is horrible cause I realize all over again, our baby's not here. I'd give anything to go back to trying to find time to get things done. I cry every day from missing him. I hate myself everyday for not listening to myself and staying up that night. I was raised up in church and everybody says it's God's will and that it wouldn't have mattered what I done that night, you can't stop God's plans. I don't understand why God needed our baby especially when there's so many others that people are leaving places to die or abusing the children. Why not take those so they don't have to go though it? I ask all the time for God to send us our baby back, to wipe what happened from others memories and let me live knowing what happened, that I would do better. This coming Friday will make 9 weeks and we still do not have an answer for what happened, they determined it was nothing on our part, but nothing more than that has been told. The SS worker has been trying to close his case for a month and been calling to get papers sent so she can start doing so. My memories on Facebook showed where we had put up were were expecting and I was 8 weeks pregnant at that time, this past Friday was 8 weeks since we lost him. We had him from start to finish a whole year.