im not a very religious person, or maybe i am… i mean i was born and raised in the catholic church . so i must be right? But like what does that even mean? like do i talk to god? yea . Do i pray? yeaa. but do i go to church every sunday and read the bible daily ? no. But like i mentioned in the last post im workin on it …

but do you ever see people at church and see people who are “saved” they feel god so intense. or like when people talk about when people die they know the answer to life or things like that? maybe im super blown…

however what i do know is i want that feeling.. i want that connection with god, with a partner, something im passionate about, or even just little day to day activities.. i feel like right now im at a point where i just feel blank. im trying all these to grow and learn and find myself but nothing gives me that certain feeling ya know? the only things i really put all my energy into like that are all the wrong things. and im trying to step out and change but im still caught up on how im gunna make $$ to get a sack or when my toxic ex is going to come over and give me meaningless sex. or when im gunna have time to take a nap…

so when i titled this WHICH TEAM ARE YOU ON. Today as i sat at my cousins memorial service the pastor was going on and giving the word . Again since that is a area of my life i am trying to be more in tune with i told myself ” okay vee really open your mind and heart to this , listen and take something from this” and the pastor is going on and on… and he asked ” what team are you ? ” he explained how we are literally in a war in this life…daily… good and bad and we have a choice which team we are going to be on right… and i dont know why the word war stuck with me… so im sitting there like “okay vee, so you say youre on gods team right.. but are you reading the plays before you go on the field and play? or youre just out there running around” Bitch if this really was war youd be fuckin dead…. so then the pastor ask ” if you were to die today which team would you end up on.. it wouldnt matter about anyone else in your life its about what you have done within yourself” etc. you catch where im going right?

and i thought about it like okay bitch realistically think aboutit..

sure i give $$ to the homeless

yea i pray

i do dishes i help with laundry

but like vee…you really think doing some dishes is going to matter when you die.. so i was like fuck bitch you need to get right.. so im sitting there and my skitzo cousin leans over and says ” its cause you havent seen the light. ive seen the light and ive seen grandma and grandpa, ive seen the light” and in that moment i was like fuuuuck even this bitch has that feeling and she knows the word and she has that feeling i want its like i want to see the light to god damn it ..

so after getting pretty drunk and passing out at my cousins funeral i couldnt stop thinking about the whole service and the word. This is the second time this week ive heard that we literally have a instruction manual and a play book for being on that team and figure out this life shit and securing it after. so its literally like its pulling me in and clearly i have so much work to do and ive been going about it all the wrong way..and not to mention my Co-Star has been on fuckin point.. and ive literally been rolling my eyes at every notification it sends me , because its not something my hard headed ass wants to hear – even though its something I NEED to hear.. EX: todays horoscope: DO YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SAME THING WITHOUT TAKING ACTION? uh yes! helloo!! so in conclusion i think …. is this it? is this where i start getting that feeling? because im getting fuckin interested.. almost like the show stranger things the first season was ehh but the third season (even though i havent seen it yet but i heard enough to know its poppin) Boom Bitch!!

do you feel me or na?

xo

V