Pregnancy has been lonely, and I love my son so much, but I hate that I can only give my son half the love he deserves. My ex won’t stick around for his son. He won’t go to any of my appointments with me wondering along side me what will be on the monitor, hoping his son his healthy. While I sit around in a room full of couples both together and separated, getting ready for their own appointment, I just wish he thought about his son enough to want to see him. He won’t be around to feel the kicks get stronger everyday or see pictures of his kid growing inside me. I hold my own hair back as I throw up. I go to my own appointments by myself. My hand will be the only one touching my stomach when he kicks. My gasps during Braxton Hicks will only be heard by me. The only hand I’ll be holding in the delivery room is a the metal sides of the hospital bed, squeezing and pretending someone is there for support, someone who’d love their child even if they didn’t love me. My ex’s biggest mistake will eventually be the thing I’m most proud of, and love the most. I feel like a failed parent, giving birth to a son that won’t have a dad, that will struggle for the first few years of her life trying to do the best for him but will never be able to give him a father figure from a young age, permanently scarring him. It’s my ex’s biggest excuse to not be around. He won’t be able to handle the struggle. He won’t be able to afford him, but doesn’t even love him enough to try, doesn’t love him enough to work harder or find better paying jobs, doesn’t love him enough to suck up his pride and move back with his parents (who offered after finding out I was pregnant, and to also get him a high paying job) to provide for himself and his son. My ex doesn’t want to be his dad, but will be around less than his dad was for him. I know if i could get one, my ex would hope I’d get an abortion. That he could get back together with the girl he was seeing (who left him after she found out he had been keeping my pregnancy a secret from her) and his life could start getting put back together again. I wish his life would, and I wish him the happiest relationship with a person perfect for him who’s also healthy, but most of all I wish he wanted to know his son. I wouldn’t even mind if he met someone extra special and she was interested in helping raise my son and also being called “mom”, if it meant my ex wanted to help raise him in the first place. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my son asks why he doesn’t know his dad, or explain to him why even at family gatherings his dad won’t show if he’s there, or why he never sends him a birthday card, or wishes him a Merry Christmas. I don’t want to explain to my son why his dad doesn’t love him. I’m scared he’ll blame me. If I would have given him up for adoption than at least he’d have a dad. His dad would probably read him to sleep, or help him get dressed in the mornings. His dad would probably spend time with him, teaching his son about his hobbies. His dad would play with him in the snow and take him to the beach, his dad would hold him while he cried, his dad would do everything that my ex wants to get as far away from as possible. It hurts knowing that someone that i loved won’t love our son. Because he proclaims loudly and proudly that I made a decision that he didn’t want. That he wants nothing to do with our son. Still unsure if he wants to know when I’ve given birth. I want my son to have the best life possible, I know I can’t give him that, I can’t give him expensive gifts or guitar lessons, I can’t plan big birthdays for him or sign him up for a sport; but I can give him love, and teach him about compassion and honesty. I can teach him life lessons and bond with him over things he loves, I can support him and his decisions. I’m jealous of the girls who even if they broke up with their boyfriends, that at least he wants to stick around for their kid. That he’d fight for the right to see his kid. That those fathers grow up and work harder just to give their child a better life. That those fathers even want to meet their kids.

Those fathers wouldn’t cry over the fact that they would rather have a stillborn child than to even meet them.

Those fathers love their child, but my child’s father doesn’t. My child isn’t better off without a dad just because he can’t afford him, i know my ex would struggle to afford him, I’d help pay his bills, I’d pay for day trips that he can take his son on, I’d make sure that our son would never know the wiser and I would never look down on my ex for it. But my ex doesn’t want a kid anymore. Those awkward conversations in the car where he would talk about wanting kids in the future, and want to give them a good life, while I sat uncomfortable in silence, never wanting children- those roles have reversed. His mind changed when having a kid meant sharing it with me at the age of 22.

Single and pregnant is hard, I dont know if im ready for single and parenting. But it’s coming either way.