I was dating my boyfriend for 4 years. The beginning of our relationship was beautiful. He was so kind and loving, I felt like I found the one. But as the years went on he became bitter towards life and me, became an angry man and things between us became shakey. He went into a dark phase, he worked nights for 3 years - which really affected him mentally. Then he hurt his knee during a trip together 2 years ago and the struggle of keeping him positive and happy was stressful. He just became this very very angry person and it was breaking our relationship apart. He scream at me for no reasons, yell at me for having different views on something and belittle me for hours. We’d go out and he start calling me awful names in public because I stopped him from having a fight, or he scream at me for reasons that just... never made sense... but I tried to understand but I began to go insane and become not as sensitive towards him as much as the years went on. I lost my positive mindset, my happy spirit... I mentally I began to shut down and my close friends and family saw how I became more closed off. They told me to leave my boyfriend so many times but I defended him constantly and couldn’t do such a thing... because I loved him I told them. I tell everyone “he loves me. He always apologizes afterwards. I know he loves me.” My dad broke down one night to my mom and cried... because he was afraid of my relationship with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend would tell me “You’re not special. You’re just like everyone else.” “You’re a selfie bitch.” Etc. He yelled at me once through voice massages he left and texts when I was working because I posted a couple photo of us on my Instagram that afternoon and he hated the image I guess he texted me “fuck you! I hate you! I can’t believe you’d post that photo of us together. I fucking hate you!” He be angry at me for things that just... I never understood. But he always come back and apologize. So I always welcomed him back and forgave him. But technically I never did, I Band-aided the issue and I grew restatement towards him.

I began to walk on eggshells and became afraid to voice my opinions on subjects in fear he’d snap at me or he’d start an argument. I couldn’t say no to him, he was always upset at me when I began to focus on my job and I blamed myself for being the reason he was upset... taking the blame for everything in the relationship of why everything was wrong and why he acted the way he did because he always tell me “you’re making me feel like shit everyday.” Which I never understood. So I began to neglect my self and my career in the business I ran, and it began to fall apart because of my anxiety in my relationship.

Then one day I was working out of town, and I ran into this guy at a show. He knew a few mutual friends. He was kind, gentle, and was very sweet towards me. I sadly cheated on my boyfriend with this other man and slowly began pushing my toxic boyfriend out of my life.... but I did it all the way wrong and now it cripples me with grief of my actions.

I suddenly saw how a healthy relationship could be and was and how I should be treated... I was respected and treated like a queen. I told the man I was falling for that I wanted to take it slow because I’m trying to pull away from my past relationship. He told me he’d wait for me to figure out my situation.

My boyfriend that was toxic tried to be better suddenly in our relationship and began to tell me he loved me and cared for me and was sorry for all the mess we went through. I broke down and didn’t know what to do... end my relationship of 4 years with a man I use to be madly in love with and maybe still am? and believe he’s changed? Or start a new relationship with someone I know would never scream at me, call me awful names, and do his best always to treated me with love. To start something new with man that I know would never drag me out of his house by my legs, scream at the top of his lungs in my face until I broke down in tears, or always threaten to leave me. — Do I go back to the man who did those things to me? Or be with the man who didn’t treat me this way?

I chose to leave my toxic past. The struggle to leave was incredibly painful and my now ex boyfriend told me “well you cheated. At least I know I can sleep soundly at night knowing I’m not the bad person here.” I broke down in tears for my guilt, the actions I did and how poorly I ended things. It haunts me. But I feel good about my decision... I just struggle with letting go of people. Specially someone I once was madly in love with. I loved my ex so much... but he always made me cry. I sometimes wonder if I created all the madness and was the cause of everything. I feel at peace with the man I’m with. My heart doesn’t feel worried, my body at night feels at ease in his arms. My family feels a light in me that has come back they say.

My biggest issue is... I feel incredibly guilty for cheating. My ex has made sure I feel that way. Now I’m struggling with having to let go of him and all the pain that was carried with him. It’s hard to let go of a past love you had for so long. But I know the road to healing takes awhile. And the man I’m with told me today in the car “I just can’t understand why someone would treat you the way your ex treated you...” he looked at me and held my face in his hand. I told him “thank you for never yelling at me when we have little issues.” He paused and told me “I’d never yell at you...” his eyes became tearful looking.

Ladies, I know I’m a good person.. but I did cheat and it’s the worst feeling to do to someone. I wish I didn’t cheat. And it now haunts me. Don’t do what I did. Try to not cheat and be up front right away if you can.

Cheating.

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