So a month ago I lost my boyfriend, the closest person to me other than my older brother. It was utterly devastating and still is. Its the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced and ever will. We were SO in love, and it was such a new relationship too, only 5 months(felt like we’ve known each other for years). I know it was so early on but I promise it was the real deal and anyone in our lives could see it. Our love was so special, it was more than I could have ever imagined. One of the things that haunts me the most is how much we didn’t get to experience together as it was only 5 months:(. We never bought a house together, never got married or had kids. Not only the big things but I wanted so badly to take home to my hometown, as it is a very beautiful little town I’m sure he would’ve loved; we’re both nerds for architecture and that sort of stuff. Now I’m kind of rambling, point is it was devastating, I’ve always yearned for true love and I finally found it in this wonderful human and lost it in the blink of an eye. I’ve never had a relationship like this before, never felt so close and so loved. The only other person would be my older brother. I adore and admire my older brother so much and always have ever since I was a little. I have the closest relationship with my brother and I can talk about anything with him. Im not one that is good at being vulnerable or showing my emotions and I hate crying in front of people, I literally refuse to do it, but my brother is an exception. I can cry and scream and wail for all I want in front of him and I feel comfortable, safe, and loved. Point is my brother is VERY important to me. I would be a MESS if I didn’t have my brother in my life to lean on and run to. And in this instance, when I lost my boyfriend I ran to my brother of course. He’s helped me heal a lot so far but with this also comes some issues.

One thing is I feel like I’m putting too much on him. All I do is cry and break down almost everyday and I feel like that is a lot of stress on him.

I can’t help but cry but I feel really bad. He takes it pretty well but I know deep down it’s probably hurting him:(.

Another thing is he’s a firefighter, so of course this sparks fear in my heart as I’m afraid to lose my brother as well! It’s always been a fear of mine with his job being so dangerous but I’m managed it, but now with the loss of my bf it’s hitting full force. I’m thinking about asking him if he can speak to his department and maybe get some time off until I can learn to cope with these feelings because the fear of losing him literally keeps me up at night. Otherwise I’m not sure what to do about this. Every time he leaves for work I’m so scared It will be the last. I CAN’T loose my brother; he’s so important to me!

My brothers a saint so I’m sure he’ll be ok with it, but I don’t know if this is a good idea. I’m not quite sure how to cope with all these feelings and not hurt those around me in the process. If anyone has any words of wisdom it would be very much appreciated:)

[not sure what group to put this in.]