It still hurts..

Caitlin

When everything started i was 16. He was amazing at first, it was like something out of a movie at the beginning. The first 2 months were just, wonderful. He was a senior in high school playing football. As smart as can be & knew so much. One day, he decides, football wasn’t for him anymore & quit. That’s when the abuse started, & after football he dropped out of school. Him, his friend, & I were all sitting at the dinning room table, this was just after Harvey so I was staying with him & also at one of my friends, I had jokingly barley slapped his leg & he slapped me across my face, non jokingly. I immediately got up, went to the room & started to pack my clothes I had there. He comes in there begging for me to stop, for me to stay & continuously apologizing promising it would never happen again. So I stayed, I shouldn’t have, but I did. The abuse continued, mental, physical, psychology & sexual abuse. For months I let this continue, he lost his money, his job, & demanded me to buy him things. When my house was finally livable in my room, we both moved back in there. The abuse still continued, but was so much worse. Choking, knife being held up to parts of my body, slamming me into walls, punches, the list continues. I begged & begged for him to stop. On my 17th birthday, he told me he wanted to watch my eyes roll to the back of my head, if i could add the voice memo i would. On my 17th birthday he said that because he was hungry.. food was being cooked. I finally couldn’t take it anymore at month 10. I was ready for death, ready to face the fact that he was going to kill me. One day, i started an argument on purpose. He threw me up against my wall & I grew the courage to kick him in, then ran. He caught up to me in my living room & held me against the wall again, i kicked harder & ran out of my house onto the street & started threatening cops. He knew better than to do anything because my neighbors were outside. So he fled, my mom brought his stuff to his dad, & since we haven’t spoken. I’m still terrified to sleep alone in a house, I sometimes get anxious around my s/o while play fighting, I still have nightmares. August 8th 2017, was the beginning of the worst year of my life. I don’t go in public alone. I’ve talked to cops, I can’t get a restraining order, even with the voice memo I have & messages of him threatening me. As of right now, from what I know, he’s in Oklahoma, engaged with 2 kids. Everyday I wonder if he does the same thing to her as he did to me. To this day, it still haunts me. How do I get past this? How can I move on...