I left my ex (the father of my 20 month old and my newborn) about 7 months ago because of constant emotional and verbal abuse. I left because I realized that I would kill someone if they EVER treated my little girl the way he treated me. It’s sad, but that’s what it took.

We lived with his parents for 2 years before we got our own place. While living with his parents his mom CONSTANTLY called me a bad mom because I wouldn’t let her watch him (read: I didn’t want her racism and backwards thinking rubbing off on him). Or over things like: me keeping a bag in the room for his overnight diapers so I didn’t have to get up every time I changed him as a newborn (like every 5seconds). I really thought all of our problems were because of her, that he’d treat me better once he was away from her more. That he would stop blowing his while or paycheck on road trips and strippers. That he would stop always going to drink with friends that he refused to let me meet EVERY single night when he got off work. But honestly it just got worse.

We moved into an adorable house with a roommate renting the finished attic. I work part time, but I make more than minimum wage so it adds up pretty well. (I’m not well off, but I make about as much as someone working full time on minimum wage makes). This is when the constant abuse started. He was pretty bad before, but he at least used to have good days where he’d surprise me with something really sweet and act semi-decent. But it got to a point where he was always screaming at me that I need a second job or to quit the job I love and work full time at a gas station or something. Would literally stand over me yelling as loud as he could while I held my son sobbing. If I ever tried to walk away he would take my son from me, block me, and occasionally grab on to my wrist super tight. One time he even threw my son at me so he could storm off more efficiently.

After I got pregnant again he started making nasty comments about me getting pregnant on purpose to avoid having to go work more. But it was more that he would practically force me to have sex whenever he felt like it, even if I said I had forgotten to take my birth control the day before.

He finally decided he didn’t want to pay bills like an adult because it used up most of his paycheck. (Our bills were split evenly) and that we were moving back in with his parents. But I couldn’t imagine living with him AND his mom again. I knew I couldn’t take that much, so I finally put my foot down (sorta). I said “I’m not breaking up with you, but I won’t be moving in with your parents again.” He flipped out and said “It’s all or nothing.” And this switch just went off in my head. And stared right in his eye and said “Fine it’s nothing.” I gathered up my son and went to my moms.

He kept calling and sobbing and saying he’d change and we didn’t have to move in with his parents. But I knew it was more manipulation. I KNEW as soon as I got sucked back in it would go back to the constant abuse, and that it would get worse again. Because every time I threatened to leave or stood up for myself that’s what would happen. He’d change for just long enough for me to get stuck again. It would be like he bottled up all of his anger for just long enough and then he would explode on me and isolate me from everything.

I thought leaving him would be harder. But it was like a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders. Now he is trying to control me using my babies. The idea of him being alone with them terrifies me. That thought of them learning ANYTHING from him breaks me in half. And every time I reject his requests of a second chance he threatens to take them. And every single time I consider it. Going back. Taking the abuse and just trying to shield my babies from it. I know that’s his goal. But I’m so terrified of going to court over custody and him getting anytime alone with them. He’s the kind of person that just randomly snaps and loses his mind. (He almost hit me with a fan in our room while I was pregnant with my son. He didn’t do it, but the look he had in his eye still gives me nightmares.)

I’m so afraid my son would go for a court ordered overnight and I would never see him again because his father snapped and broke his neck.

And as stupid as it is. I’m terrified to face him in court. The last three years of my life were spent doing everything I could to make sure nothing would make him upset (even though EVERYTHING made him mad). I didn’t tell him I was in labor with my daughter this past week, I texted him a couple hours after she was born... He was pissed. And when he came to visit her I physically started shaking because I was so afraid of him having one of his blowups right there in the hospital. I was afraid to take my eyes off them because I was scared he might hurt her to stick it to me. I was afraid to be alone with him because I honestly don’t know that he wouldn’t try and hurt me.

Im genuinely pretty terrified of him still. He still knows how to manipulate me. He’s damn good at it in fact. I find myself apologizing for leaving him whenever he calls me and says I ruined his life. I still won’t definitively tell him “I’m never coming back” because I don’t know what he’d do. He genuinely seems like the “if I can’t have you - no one can” type.

Sorry for such a long post, if you stuck with me this long, thank you. I just needed to get this off my chest. Put it in writing for someone besides me to see. So that someone can remind me to stay away. To reassure me that the court wouldn’t give him my babies. Maybe just tell me everything will be okay? Idk. I’m still so scared of him...