I've never had any career passions in life, nothing that called to me or that I wanted to work towards. It's been hard to forge a path without a sense of what I want to do with my life. When I imagined having a baby I wanted to be that mom who stayed home with the baby, was able to cook healthy meals, take care of the house, go to th park, make Halloween costumes, etc. That was my only ambition. Now that I'm a momma I struggle with knowing if I'd be able to handle that, I know SAHM-hood is in no means easy. Not to mention I have a good paying job that I like well enough. It's not the current income loss I would worry about so much as being able to save for a comfortable retirement and my baby's future goals.

My husband has a good paying job as well, but it would be tight on his income alone and if we switched to his works health insurance for the family it would be nearly $700/month! It's half that for insurance through my work! Ugh.

Not only that, but I'm breastfeeding now, my baby is 13 months, and I'm struggling between wanting to breastfeed still and being sick of pumping. I used to pump 3 times a day, then went down to 2 and now 1. I knew my supply would decease and thought I was ready and would be okay with that. I'm realizing I am not okay with it and it makes me sad that I'm not able to fill my baby's belly anymore. I hate using the pump and if I was staying at home this wouldn't have happened already. I had 3 months off with my baby and it was not near enough.

I also like the daycare we have her at but don't understand how blueberry muffins, chicken nuggets and fruit snacks is considered food for a one year old! If I could be home with her she'd be eating so much better too.

Momming is hard. Guess I just needed to let my feelings out somewhere.

I just want to be with my sweet baby...