Last year I delivered my son at 25 weeks via c section and I've felt guilty everyday since. Hes had a long hard road to get home which took 4 months. After he got home he still had issues. Fast forward to today and he's about to turn one in a couple of weeks. He still has developmental delays. And it hurts me to my core that it's all my fault. That I couldn't handle stress at all during my pregnancy. When normally it doesn't phase me. his dad wouldn't listen to me when I told him that I can't handle all of his baggage he keeps dumping on me. That I ignored my body when my water broke and stayed home two days after it broke. That the depression I've felt from last August has continued to hold me back from being the absolute best mother that I need to be for my son. I am eternally grateful for him and he is literally everything I've ever wanted and more. He makes me so proud to be his mom but behind it all I can't help but think that had I changed one thing it all could have turned out differently. Its effected me in ways I've never imagined. I don't like hearing or seeing baby news. Its hard to look at full term babies. They surpass his weight, height, and physical abilities. There are 3 babies due in my family in the coming months and I've been completely reclusive because I can't bare to see all of the updates. Its supposed to be a happy time but I can't help but to break down and cry because of the shame and guilt I feel.