I feel like a horrible mom

I love him so much. More than life itself. I’d do anything to keep him safe and happy. But I so badly just want to hand him off to someone else I trust and leave. I’m so ashamed of myself. I know it’s normal for post partum depression and anxiety and such. Along with me already having severe anxiety and manic depression along with other things too. But I feel so shitty. I just want to leave. I feel like I just can’t do this right now. He’s all I ever wanted. He’s all I’ve ever wished and prayed for. I’ve only ever wanted to be a mom and now here it is and he’s 3 weeks old now and I can’t do it. I don’t have anyone who can watch him. My fiancé and mother have work all day and can not afford to miss days. My dad could but he’s not exactly the youngest man alive and I would feel bad making him take care of a baby all day. It isn’t even that nobody wants to watch him. Because there are many people who would love to. But people have work and lives and just throwing him at someone makes me feel worse like I’m interrupting their lives. But I’m just so tired. I’m so way past exhausted idk what to do. I’m just walking through my life in a haze and I can’t do it. I can’t afford a nanny or daycare or anything like that. It’s just me. I’m the only one who has time. And I love him with everything in me and beyond but I just feel so empty like I just can’t do it. Every time he cries I just get so scared and anxious. Every time he sleeps I get worried and have to watch him the whole time. Everytime he eats I get so scared that he’ll choke or throw up. I just can’t do this.