I actually think I’m having a midlife crisis at the age of 20 and I don’t know what to do about it. I keep isolating myself from everyone and I think I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year. I love him but honestly he doesn’t treat me very well anymore. The scariest thing is, I don’t even care. I’m not really sad per say. I’m just done. I think I’m done living. I’m over it. I’m done hearing all the conspiracies about the US government and the Amazon burning. I’m done with my menial job and my crappy apartment and this life that I actually hate. I wanted to do things with my life. Because of poor choices I made when I was younger, I’ll never get to do anything I’d planned. I have nobody to blame but myself. I just actually can’t stand the idea of living anymore. I resent it. Almost like a child hates homework or vegetables. I know it’s good for me and I’m supposed to do it, but I really just don’t want to. I don’t want to work my life away just to grow old, retire, and die. What even is death? That question is the only reason I’m still here. This sucks, but the unknown could be worse. It could be nothing at all. But that can’t be true. It can’t just be blank nothingness. That doesn’t make sense. What happens to my consciousness? I don’t remember being born but I was. Would I even know if I was dead? My whole life I was brought up as a Christian but I’m a skeptic. And I hate it. I feel ashamed. I’m just not sure if I can believe that any loving God would let the world be the way it is. But it has to be something right? It can’t just be nothingness. But if it is, is that worse than what I’m doing now? Honestly, probably not. I haven’t been happy in years. No matter what I do, where I live, or where I work. I am not happy, and I have no idea why. I don’t know how to fix it. It terrifies me to think I’ll have to live this way forever. I won’t do it.