Idk what to do

I’ve become seriously depressed. I no longer live for my happiness. I’m honestly regretting the last three years. At first it was amazing and so happy no tears just laughs and beautiful moments. Now it’s tears everyday an argument everyday. It’s hard to just leave... I love him so damn much.. but idk why I love him anymore.. I can’t even think of a reason yet I’m here still not being able to just leave or ask him to leave.. because if I ask him to leave.. I lose my best friend, his beautiful kids (we’ve tried getting pregnant and nothing yet btw I was the only one looking forward to getting pregnant every month.. every month it didn’t phase him.. me I cried every month I didn’t get my blessing.. yes I know I should leave him if you would know what I’m going through.. but honestly I just can’t leave.. I lose everything and he only loses a headache I guess smh.. it’s come

To the point where I don’t want to live anymore but than I wish I could

Just get pregnant and leave him.. I know I can do it on my own and I’ll be a great mother.. I’m just all over the place and I don’t have any friends and my family barely talk to me and have no idea what’s going on.. I wish god was holding my hand through this and would just put me out of my misery than maybe my boyfriend would show how he really feels because right now idk how he feels even tho he says he loves me idk why anymore... I just need help and I don’t want to go through this pain anymore